I don't know how to explain how I feel anymore... It's like I'm not all there, even. I understand why, but nobody else has to. It's like some little secret. It's like I finally have something that's mine that no one here can take away. Atleast I know... And I have that. I'm shrinking in both physical senses. Nothing fits just right anymore. I mean that in both senses too. There's very few people that are a constant anymore (more like two) Rachel and Kat. They're also the only two people I've considered BEST friends for quite some time now for numerous reasons so they're the last people I ever want to lose. I'm not shallow or a bitch. I get close to people who will let me in and give back in return. I'm so sick of people talking crap that they know nothing about. Bitch bitch bitch... And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the world revolving around guys-- damnit! Half of me doesn't even LIKE guys! Ok, more then half- like three quarters. When I like guys, they're special, or they've earned it. I'm angry at one of my better guy friends because when he gets into one of his depressions, it's all about him and he closes himself off to everyone. Even the people who want to help him or atleast be there in spirit aren't allowed in... Then you remember- he has a girlfriend. Like everyone else, there's someone else. And once again, you're that low down whore who's just going to get in the way. I fucking wanted a hug goodbye Sunday. Was that so much to ask? Yeah, I'm beyond upset about that right now even though I know I have no reason to be. It's not a romantic thing, it's a friend thing and a memory thing and one of those long comforting hugs that I've been wanting for over a year. I want someone who understands. I don't even understand myself anymore though so how can anyone else? People who were unofficially on silent terms with me have started talking again. It's nice... Even if it's only a little. It's nice to know maybe I didn't completely lose one of my other best friends a couple months back when I did something completely stupid. I miss him a lot... In a completely un-romantic sense, again. I just miss long conversations, or even short conversations. I miss back and forth, vice versa, coming to me for advice, getting advice in return. It's like all I have now is looking back to when it wasn't so complicated. Why do I always do this to my friendships? So I'm there I suppose. The only part of my day I end up remembering now is when I'm painting. Two periods a day... Will soon be three now. It's like that's what matters because I actually want to be there doing it. Everything else I'm on auto pilot. What else matters anymore? Kat. Painting. That's all. I can't wait for this summer, for someone who understands me best to just hold me for hours... Just in a hug. I can't wait to meet my best friend in the entire world... I can't wait for life to start up again.