I'm not going to fucking join in your little happiness vouts so Jesus, I'm happy for you all that you're cappy and things are going good but honestly, I'm in a bit of a self-pity state lately and it would do you a lot of good to realize that before I'm the fifth wheel on more dates. God, it gets so lonely. Now I know how everyone else has felt at some point... Only this time I realize they have someone for the long run and I'm stuck like this for quite some time. There's no point in BS relationships anymore though, the "I love you sooooo much" in people's profiles with those kissy faces that come with AIM and some sappy quote about love that's not true in highschool. Dude, don't you realize movies, media, and those damn quotes have just doped up love into being something completely different. Sex doesn't make you fall inlove. One week into a relationship doesn't mean you're inlove. I'm so sick of twitterpated morons who don't have the smarts to realize what to call their relationship and what not to call it. I'm going to continue ranting... If you're bragging or even hinting 24/7 about physical things you and your significant other are doing either just talking to someone, on the phone with them, or even in a journal, then soon after saying how much you love them and think "This one's for the long run" I've got news for you: You're NOT going to make it. I'd like to thank someone for teaching me these facts, for making me realize that it's stupid to ever think you're inlove in highschool, that it's stupid to give your heart away and hope to marry your highschool sweetheart (because hell, I'm not the living example of two highschool sweethearts, am I? Yeah, anyone who knows my parents realize they've been together since they were almost exactly MY AGE) But you know what? Apparently that's some rare case, apparently I was living in my own utopia which was unprobable. I'd like to thank someone who mentally abused me. It took so long to admit it, so long to let go and to tell you the God's honest truth, you should all realize I haven't let go the way I want to. One day I'm bitter and the next I'm not... But I got taught a valuable lesson, never give your heart away the way I did. Never trust them to stay by your side every day that you're sick. One day they're going to be ending it as you get this dizzy feeling in the pit of your stomache. I threw up right after my last two serious relationships broke up. It was this dizzy discusting feeling and I didn't want to but all of a sudden, I was puking up the horrible words... And you know what? He wasn't there holding back my hair as I threw up telling me it would be alright, was he? The thing is though, it is alright. And not only did I learn that love doesn't exist, I also learned that there's more to life then some clingy relationship. Since late February I haven't had a serious relationship. The one I did have, I didn't even care what happened. I stopped calling, started doing things when they were conveniant and never any other time. It was so much easier not to care. It's also easier to lock yourself away or break free and see other friends, focus on talents, ect. I wish I saw less couples joined at the hip and more doing what they individually enjoy. He said "Get a hobby, get a life, join a club" Well I did and not for him, for myself. So maybe now for once in my life I know what I want to do... Maybe I'm drawing and designing more then ever, maybe writing ideas are coming easy and school work is a synch and now it's not for him. I rose up for a love-sick relationship just like the rest of you. I have dried roses, poems, homecoming pictures, and a white teddy bear stuffed in my bureau. I had a date and an "I love you" in my profile, I wrote about physical accomplishments in my journal. You know what? I can have empathy because I went through it all. I could have written the friggen book on highschool love. The difference is, I got burned. In my naive and ignorant state, I got abused in the worst way possable and walked away gaining my own life. If you watch Donnie Darko, the moral of the story was everyone will die alone. If you listen to emo like me, Brand New specifically, the lyrics are "Everyone who lives will someday die and die alone" Bitter? Yes. True? Yes. It doesn't end like The Notebook for 99.9% of people. I took a little survey recently... And despite everything I've just written... Despite my saying the love is bullshit and it's better to stand on your own two feet... Take a stab at how I answered the question "How would you like to die?" ...My response was "I'd like to die holding someone's hand, so I would know I was loved until my last dying breath" And the moral of this entry is, it's human nature to want love and to be loved in return... But it's also human nature (and teenage hormones) to want sex. It's been proven that teenagers who lose their virginity to one another are less likely to end their relationships even though things are going bad because they begin mentally and chemically associating this physical act as love. I'm not like everyone else. I know exactly why there's no such thing as highschool love on a romantic level... And it boils down to the fact that the overwhelming majority of teenagers aren't physically fit to be in a devoted relationship relying on something other then sex when their hormones are raging this high. This is the end to my little entry so I hope you realize that I'm not going to join in your happiness when you tell me you're inlove. I'll smile, nod, and say congratulations and behind your back, I'm going to laugh at your ignorance just like people I called friends laughed at mine. And on one last note (I promise this time) That person who made me stand behind every one of these statements... He's "inlove" again. He says he was wrong to tell me what he did and that he's sorry for making me believe everything I do. It's too late. His profile says "I love you" and it's not to me. Standing on your own two feet and being one of the lucky ones who knows the truth gets awfully lonely sometimes...