friday... didnt go to school slept in. felt good.so i went and sat at the bar with my mom till 6.went home had plans to go bowling but ended up not going so i went with jason and casey into willmar did some stuff. they were going to a buddies house so they said i could tag along. first went to lukes house. pretty much the biggest hick sat there for a hour left there and went to mark and kellys went out to milk cows went back to there place and played drunk farmopoly of course i was the only sober one so i just laughed at all the stupid shit they said and did. then we left and went to caseys house and he got the air mattress (his bed) and jason got the couch and i got stuck with the damn recliner so they put in the movie black dog so we watched that jason was passed out on beer and vicatin. so casey put in the wild. and put it on repeat or something so he fell asleep and i couldnt so i watched it one and a half times and i fell asleep at 6 30 in the morning yet i woke up every 20 minutes of being so uncomfortable i woke up at like 9 Saturday---and then jason put in wild things so we watched that and after i just wanted to go home and take a shower since i smelled like cow shit.sam brought amber out then dustin showed up so we watched snakes on a plane.then time flew by and it was 6 so mom went to work sam went back to dads and me and amber later on walked up to the bar.dustin and brad were there and they were going up to caseys so they left then me and amber decided to go home then wade picked us up and we went out to caseys again. then got bored so i left with brad. and we went back to full throttle sat there for a while then decided to go up to keggers cause a band was there so me and amber just sat around talking to all the shit faced people.after about a hour and a half decided to leave that was around 12 so we went back to full throttle and waited till it closed. then casey was having a after party so i rode out there with brad and we were there for about an hour and then casey started flipping out for a while like screaming bitchy cause he wanted us to leave so he could cheat on his girlfriend with some fat whore.so he made up excuses for us to leave so he kicked all his friends out so everyone was pissed at him so we came back home around 2 am and then brad dustin and jason were over so i popped in a movie and then jason went upstairs and started puking for 2 hours and wade came over and me and wade talked to him to make sure he was ok.he was fine. so i went back downstairs and amber fell asleep already so i just went to bed.brad and dustin ended up crashing on the couches. Sunday---this morning i woke to jason waking the 2 in the living room to go out to eat and i just sat in my room cause i just didnt want to get up since i only got 7 hours of sleep the past 2 days.so me and amber waited for jason then i told him to bring me to kwik so i could get a muffin then we just drove around for a while talking about how stupid casey was. came home then casey showed up and wanted us to go out to eat with him. so we went to donners i didnt eat just sat and listened to them since basically all of them were still drunk. then came home and got jack and brought him out to caseys to let him run around did that for about an hour then we sat inside and i had a piece of the cake i made for casey sat around some more and then we left and now im here my mom brought amber home just now and jason left to the bar in murdock with some poeple. and so im upstairs just loving the peace and quiet since i just feel like poop. tomorrow my mom leaves to somewhere with wade till thursday so i have to live at ambers which sucks cause we both hate it there so i might just stay out here anyway as long as i have a ride to school im good. .I havent talked to you in a while and wow does it sadden me.im so fricken tired of waiting im tired of thinking im a backup.Im getting sick of all this bullshit.sometimes i wonder if i should even care anymore i mean your not going to like me.whats the point.i mean thats what part of me feels but the other part its just telling me to wait its just telling me to be there. and i dont know which one i should listen to.Do i have to change? am i someone that deserves this.does anyone deserve this?I guess i just cant measure up... to her. and i dont like that feeling. this feeling. i need to pack and i need to sleep and i need to do stupid homework. i feel annoyed by people like i just want time by myself although im alone most days.i can be a bitch and i dont even notice that im doing it. i just want people just to leave me the fuck alone at times. and saying it flat out hurts them and being a bitch about it hurts them also. i want to leave i just want to drive down backroads with just my music. just get away for a while clear my head or something. anything. tony emailed me. he said things are getting dangerous in iraq.he gets back in april.hopefully. i just need to see him.I love him.and noone here understands that but noone knows cause they didnt know how close we actually were.he was always there and i was always there. and him just leaving went by to fast he left at the worst possible time also.i just remember this huge storm and i just sat out on the sidewalk in front of my house back in willmar looking at the sky and just wishing i wasnt here. Iv met so many people and sometimes i just try to block them out cause i feel they will just fade away anyway. I was talking to randy about some crap and Randy noticed something..and said that im so used to rejection and people leaving that i just constantly think its going to happen.I guess its not that hard to notice. If i touch a burning Candle I can feel no pain.If you cut me with a knife its still the same.And i know her heart is beating. and i know that i am...dead, yet the pain here that i feel try to tell me its not real but it seems that i still have a tear to shed.