everything running through my mind is just so confusing ah, my mom is most likely working christmas now and i dont want to see my dad at my grandmas but i want to see my family just not him people dont understand that i couldnt manage being in the same room with him fucking crazy person. who shall i spend christmas with. eh its just another holiday im just glad we get time off school since i suck at that. i want to move somewhere always warm with all my friends and just be able to breathe i dont like the average lifestyle i want to actually live why do i have to follow all this bullshit. be somebody more then who i am right now. i actually thought i was going to have a boyfriend you know a actual guy that wants a long relationship wants to know and get to know who i am... well we lasted four days turns out he wanted his ex the whole time i had to find out by his ex to it sucked. i sat in my room and thought about it and waited for him to call for a long time i just wanted to tell him everything i heard and everything i felt about it... he finally called me and i told him he just could have told me and been open about it.. i was hurt that you didnt let me know and was doing this behind my back but hey shit happens you just go through it i mean this has happened to me the past 6 guys im used to being used. he broke down on the phone to me for 15 minutes then i ended our conversation. i sat up and wondered how my life just changed and it fell apart and its still okay at the same time. im still getting along you know. people always hurt people its what were used to. we always think were right. that were better and we step all over everybody to feel something cause it doesnt seem that we have a meaning to anyone to anything. i cant help but wonder if my dad would apologize, I dont think you know what these words mean...i will wait forever to just hear im sorry. even if it wouldnt mean anything. i want to show someone i can be there everything i could be theres only. i would never hurt them, or ever make them cry. i want someone to dream of me and know that they can wake up having someone to love. lies are the worst. is this a reason to pour out everything. being stepped on? i keep failing all my classes cause i just like to daydream of my own freedom my own getaway where i can have the people i love and the things i love... i space out on all the stupid christmas songs about joy and happiness. they dont make to much sense to me because not many people are joyful and happy. there all sick and desperate for something more just following the rules cause they dont know what else there here for. well i met someone named gary he is funny and fun to be with. i know there wouldnt be anything more between us then how it is. i dont like him like that i guess well when im alone its nice to go to him.we can talk for hours about anything. i dont let go of people that easy like my mom.i still miss all my old friends i still miss amber and ginger. i miss my old house i miss being able to sit at home with my sister and mom and just play stupid games, i do miss how i used to be how i could hold my head up and stand up for things. i do but i kind of fell. just tell them i dont care. it doesnt matter if this makes sense to you anyway i get it. i just have a fucked up mind. i like to think about life then sit in a class and draw rectangles and spheres or read a board of pointless equations. that shit doesnt matter when everything else going around you is just fucked up. money is just so important to everyone...it bothers me. i want my mom to listen sometimes. or quit focusing on work 24/7. my life is like one great big ball of shit. it just keeps getting bigger and bigger.