bryan called........ more fighting no suprise my heart hurts i got some truth out of him 4 once.... something i suspected b4 but was never really told............. the shit bryan did with lying and going behind my back making out with other girls........ u know 'chesly and erm.... alicia if thats how u spell it.....' yea it was like in the same i dunno *weekend or same 3 days or w/e* it makes me feel a tad less hurt b/c now i know he was just 'hookin up with any random girl to get his mind off me cuz it hurt him like it hurt me' i suppose anyways? it still fucking hurts to think those days were our best memories.... even on the temp break cuz we messed around a lot and acted like we never did break up (at least not while we were together) i asked him tonight in fact how he could want me if all these hott girls always wanted him and he said none of them are as beautiful as i am and that all he wants is me................. i want to beleive that soooo bad.............. bryan made me cry so hard tho tonight he said i dont care and dont love him when i do!!!!!! he said he didnt break my soul........... but he did and he said it was my mother who broke my sould but ive been living with her 18 years im fine........... he is the one that made me want to die. but i love him and its way beyond all that now..... its serious....... then end of *the greatest couple ever* i think its b/c i dont believe him...... but its not that i dont its that i cant i tried and i cant its all about trust 4 him and he lost my trust by doing what he did...... tonight i told him i hated him with severe regrets of that now!!!! he overdosed on aderal or h/e its spelt.... he took more pills 2night he yelled and he cried. i set the phone down 4 a moment and cried too i cried hard ive been coughing up blood im afriad 2 tell anyone in a way if im ment 2 die..... bring it on this world is such a fucking bitch! sick 3 weeks straight...... we thought i was prego now i think i might just have pneumonia. that or else cancer or what not. im not scared im more scared of losing bryan b/c of some sluts in the past......... i called him a slut tonight....... it made me cry i missed half of everything he said cuz i kept putting the phone down to let out a few sobs....... what im scared of....... is losing him, losing his friendship his love his touch but im more afraid he will hurt himself im afriad of his cancer im afraid of his death without him im nothing and i mean that with the absolute truth he is all i have keeping my alive...... he's my air my life support my body i wish we wouldnt have fucked up so much in this past year. i never imagined this boy i saw from across the cafeteria table when i was in 10th grade would end up being my love interest threw 11th and 12th i never imagined he'd know my name......... i thought he was gorgious and still do. ****i got the boy of my dreams how many people can say that**** for us it was fate....... i never would have seen him again after 10th grade had it not been for that art class we had together where we fell in love. i love everything about him..... i just hate our past. i never dreamed id give up my virginity 2 this boy b/c i felt *THAT MUCH* love 4 him.......... when i was afriad of the pain and told countless people id be a virgin 4 ever beyond the parcial rape that i wont discuss. i never imagined id talk with this boy about getting married and having a lil baby. i never could have hoped 4 better. and now i need to do w/e i can to fix this b/c my love 4 him is un-dying and it will tear me up trying to survive without my air.