twas the day after christmas and the house was asleep, all were tired and stressed exspecially me. the stockings still hung... limp and bear the tree looked pathetic without presents there. b4 i start, may i complain a moment: I HAVE A COLD!!!!! ok then ANYWAYS: yay... its over... it was a good day until family came. i gada admit that. when my g-ma came i got more presents... notebooks, THE MOST EXPENSIVE KEYBOARD ON THE MARKET- which ive been playing around with... putting some tunes 2 some of my songs... its sooo fun! she also got me jewelry and notebooks... yippee! i love the pretty notebooks... ill use each one 4 summin different... i started a new lyric book and a journal. hehe. anyways i also got tons of other stuff but im 2 lazy 2 type it all. i swear... my family is trying to break up me and bryan. their advice... is shit! i swear... its like... cuz they are all divorced and unhappy.. they want me to be too. jesus FUCK THEM. they hate to see me in love and happy. gah. hehe now new years is upon us.. maybe the 2nd funnest holiday ever! *after halloween* i get 2 be with my baby... i better get to be. lol anyways i got one cigarette left... and i feel like i need 5... so im gana save it for later... hehe. i think bryan called last night... but i cant remember what we talked about, i woke feeling it wasnt summin good :/ FAMILY STRESSED ME! i remember b4 i went to bed i was thinking... how are me and bryan gana make it threw his college years!?! and how are we gana finish next year off if he still has another half a year to go after i get out in december!? its already bad... and im still right there IN THE SCHOOL. then i remember thinking... if we do make it, and were old and dying... and one of us goes... what happens to the other one? jesus i dont want to think about it... i mean the holidays would end up being my suicide without him. im so attached. right now i feel this incredible erge to squeeze him and never let him go. i dont know where the fuck id be without him. i dont ever wanna be with sum1 else either... he knows my secrets... he's seen and touched every part of my body... do i really want 2 people in the world doing that? FUCK NO! but i need to stop or ill make myself cry :/ it seems doubtful to even think were gana make it threw january... fucking snowboarding season, i want to die now. i think i fear what i dont know... i wish i knew how brandon did this and kept from suicide. he seems 2 not be doing so well right now tho. he wrote his ex a note and cut his wrist over it. at least that will give her a msg! SupaFly: I hope your happy that you killed me. I hope your happy you pulled the trigger to the gun at my head, tightened the knot to the rope around my neck or drove the car that crushed me to my death. I hope your happy to be the tree that i crashed into or the knife that cut my vain putting this to an end. SupaFly: Then I said cause this one's for you, I hope you are happy now. how morbidly romantic is that? SupaFly: enough of my pointless bitching another x trend: no... its not pointless another x trend: talk about what hurts the most and it releases stress SupaFly: yeah it does, but i usually don't open up to peeps SupaFly: use to be her that i did this makes me want to cry. i love my bryan, this makes me want to love him 2 times as much... lol (hold tight so i never have to let go kinda deal) well im out 4 now. i wrote this: bury me in you take your arms and smother me stop my breath hold me down trap my heart curse my soul fuck you carry me to where you can control me just bury me alive keep my eyes closed from this world of pain you promise to provide take the rope from your neck place it around mine paint the walls with my tainted love and watch the blood flow almost out of site bury me bury me make sure that im alive suffering how can it be where you love the taste of your own blood i break my own arms using your hands kill my soul suicide a misunderstood friendship in you trap me love me hurt me hit me bury me bury me make sure im alive loving you has been my suicide how can i save these tears in a glass jar if i stay and allow them to remain hit me cause you love memake it hurt so i know whats wrong from right pin me to the wall and throw your darts into my sides pull off my limbs like petals on a dying flower then caress me and say your sorry you cant control your own power fuck you why do i stay cry tears always the same hate me make me hold me need me beat me hurt me bury me make sure that im alive.