i think im on stress over-load. ok its gr8 i got my dot and all... woo yay im not pregnant and he came in me 2 times 4 sure and prolly the time i 'raped' him as well LoL long story. but damnit! my entire body shakes uncontrollably my tummy hurts bad i get headaches i fall and this hasnt even happened to me b4. maybe its cuz im really upset about me and bryan or possibly cuz ive reached my maximum stress factor for the millenium. i commonly do get tummy aches when im super upset or scared and i am super upset that im losing my baby it could be summin serious tho. thats why im not telling him about it yet... and im scared he's going to get comfortable being without me and decide he doesnt want me back or something i know u people that read his diary and shit say that wont happen in a million years but im scared :( wow my entire leg just went dead for no reason theres a small spot of throbbing pain i think a spider bit me ive been dizzy 4 a while so i dont know if thats why or if its from lack of food from feeling so deathly ill anyways back to the other stuff... bryan grabbed jennas arm at school and *smiled at her* she says he says he grabbed her to get her to move and that he hates her bitch ass or summin like that but worse... i felt bad cuz i got thrown in the middle even tho her and i no longer get along and he will do anything to get my trust... so obviously i am obligated to take his side no matter what. anyways i feel so empty i write and write to fill the void and talk to random people who keep leavin their aim s/n's and comment people who comment me... ive made 10 friends today :) but the emptyness is still there. facing the truth... bryan is a big part of me and that big part is missing when he's gone... im hollow inside w/o him bryan wanted me to go to the movies with him tonight but i couldnt i am soo afriad to tell him how sick i am, im afriad to let him see me because i shake bad i want him to hold me but im afriad of not being able to let him let me go he wants to see me b4 school tuesday... i want to see him too, but i know ill cry. and he might cry too. i dont want him to cry... everything reminds me of him. its crazy seriously tho talking to him seems odd. like he doesnt hurt from this... maybe like he is dangling me there waiting 4 me to break and claim trust so he can hold me back up... but if he's w/ all his friends 24/7 again im not going to come back to get hurt and have things end like last winter. it seems like thats where this is going :/ but yea... he never talks long... he always says he has 2 go... i asked why and he said it was cuz he was missing me and getting depressed and sad. is that such a bad thing? im sorry im hurting him i really am, but what can i do when he IM's me 1st or calls me... i hope bryan gets on soon and didnt go to the movies without me :( soo well heres our earlier convo... Toxictouch [3:07 PM]: but you know waht? i am not tlaking to that bitch Sk8erChick2004 [3:07 PM]: y Toxictouch [3:07 PM]: cuz Toxictouch[3:07 PM]: i hate her Toxictouch [3:07 PM]: and always will Sk8erChick2004 [3:07 PM]: u didnt yesterday Toxictouch [3:07 PM]: she just imed me on a new s/n and i blocked it Toxictouch [3:07 PM]: no i did Toxictouch [3:08 PM]: i was just happy and excited and i turned around and she ran into me so grabbed her arm and moved her out of the way kind of Toxictouch [3:08 PM]: i am not talk Toxictouch [3:08 PM]: talking to her Sk8erChick2004 [3:08 PM]: u smiled at her Toxictouch [3:08 PM]: no i didn't Sk8erChick2004 [3:08 PM]: she told me u did Toxictouch [3:09 PM]: but you know what Toxictouch [3:09 PM]: think what the fuck you want Sk8erChick2004 [3:09 PM]: im not thinkin nothing Toxictouch [3:09 PM]: but i am saying right now the same as last night Sk8erChick2004 [3:09 PM]: im just saying Toxictouch [3:09 PM]: you CAN trust me Toxictouch [3:09 PM]: just as i will for you Sk8erChick2004 [3:09 PM]: and im trying Toxictouch [3:09 PM]: but it is your decision Sk8erChick2004 [3:10 PM]: if i did or didnt what will the diffrence be Toxictouch [3:10 PM]: better relationship Toxictouch [3:11 PM]: us getting back together ((his sn was changed so THAT bitch dont try and steal it- ha! we all know who the fuck im talkin bout and so does she)) so anyways that was it... that rather stunned me. i hope he aint frontin tho... cuz this is really killin me :/ ya know well i hope i can see him soon. i miss him leave some comments ps. he hasnt said anything about me changing the diary back... hmmm wonder if he will. he left earlier w/o saying bye too :'(