January 2017was the last time i wrote in here.my spacebar has managed to suck ass and so does this screen

well. years have changed right? im taking a trip to colorado for groom school

jacks getting there on his last leg so its his big oo rah before he meets the end. its weird seeing my life

without him. my brother. who stayed by me.

Jonny is getting married. his fiance has a son same age ours would have been. i wonder why

i creep on her facebook... i guess to find some comfort in how he gave her the same flowers he gave me

doesnt mention his daughters kind of thing. was i the lucky one? who is really lucky in that.

i really want to say something because im bothered and i can say it on here because this has

been that one site that stayed around and didnt change and didnt blow up. i can blog my annoying blogs

and maybe no one will read them.

my life has been really laid back almost too laid back. do women always ponder what could have

been worried about if nothing to worry about at that moment. its like constant worry.

do i eventually forget and die. hm. real question. when you always loved someone from the bottom of your heart and they walked out and left you. does that ever go away. yes? how about when they said forever? its like fals fucked up lies.

what happens if u said i wouldnt get it 5 years ago then today you are engaged with someone else pretending to be dad and wont show any kind of attempt to maybe get it. thats where maybe forever and flowers for someone are words. took me years to feel like im okay without you. id rather accept that you had died.

now i accept you tried to be a fantasy family you failed at for 8 years. i was the make up girl

didnt work out. so now try again with makeup girl number 2... fiance? people seem to amaze me.

what my mom did to me was not okay and i will hold that in my heart forever and choose to still keep her a part of my life. its very awkward. so was you never promising to leave. then leaving. i will never know what this could really turn into, maybe a ball of anger i cant seem to let go of. i feel a human being would get it.

my grandfather told me he wants to be cremated and with his mother in cloquet mn last time i seen him. am i the one person that i can have words flow freely to. if i am i will take it. i knew my family was hurting over my grandfather on my dads side... i felt what he wanted me to feel. like he was ready to go. we should have been ready for that.

i cant imagine leaving my dad. or my mom. old or not... i couldnt kick them out and leave them .... how much do they have to lose before going ? families should be together. mine is not. will it change?

my time here seems so short and i feel that i want to be there for the ones who made it all happen. im afraid noone else will do it... i feel i need to. i quit smoking for a damn reason.

i care about my family and my friends and even a man who broke my heart. its a big deal having a good heart.

my grandpa told me he had rats crawl all over him when he was a kid. showed me a rat that was surrendered to the humane society in the paper when i was over there. he knows he is sick.. i know he is telling me without saying it. my grandma will be very lost. wish sam would give her a call and time of her day for some reason they always really loved her more. now she wants the house with her boyfriend... i hope she talks to them because i feel it haunting her if she doesnt. i know what haunted feelings are like. they creep up every weird moment that you remember it. the haunting phrase "I love you" always erks me. once you love you are susceptible to feeling loss. i liked that pureness i felt before shreveport and the fucked up science that killed a part of me. i was a whole mom for 10 weeks. that feeling can not be misjudged nor forgotten about.

my boyfriend Ryan is helping me along with this journey to a new start and path out of the service industry and new orleans. i spent 7 years serving tourists and men and women looking for an escape from there daily life. i learned a lot and seen a lot being around people with the opportunity to hand money over for a good time. money helped me feel good to so i cant be spiteful. the whole accepting not making it so easily frustrates me. the whole family meal at applebees in there suits and kids crying with a dollar tip was the 200 plus tip for me later at the strip club. the whole concept of faith and faithfulness was influenced with money and with more money it was more power and better tips.

now i am out of that life and feel kind of lost. without all these broken souls around me i now have to focus on myself.

who wants to do that right?!

well i hope this cramped up winnebago will get me out of this stupid heavy piece of crap lingering over my whole existence. its kind of messed up thinking i wont be around forever. like that word already has false meaning. its just there to make you feel good and maybe have some hope. in this time i want to run naked in the valley and dive into a hotspring when its 10 below. a whole heap of random shit before my world wants to throw more pain at me.

am i happy. hm. well i guess im happy to want to write about myself. i feel something more when i write on how i am still hurt without a band aid or hospital to 911. my 911 would be the person i want to talk to. thats like asking for a negative response. its sad really.... like its not allowed to feel hurt and neglect. someone said you were supposed to accept it and not be weak. its kind of shitty but hey it helps.

i miss my dad. i never really knew him growing up. my moms lame way of living sucked all my attention away fro, him. she prepped me to borderline not trust him or like him and i still kind of feel that she drained my life insurance policy and attempts to cover it up by telling me to close it. who knows. i mean she is a nice person and means well... she just hurt me a lot and i never get a chance to find my heart to tell her how i feel. its a huge secret. a big black hole. everyone hurts. my grandma lost Bobby and watched it happen.... now her husband is losing his health daily and my family feels its best to drag them out of there house.....

what happens when im that age? will i have children and if so and we all survive long enough ahah will i be dying by there side. like i plan to see my family out... its not anxiety its something that shouldnt be ignored. we throw our loved ones into care we can afford... then lose them... and lose there presence. someone else spent there last years with them in a center.... hmmm i dont know. its not lonely... it seems pretty lonely to me. i walk in and smell see and hear lonely. its like a ringing bell of loneliness.

maybe a snake will bite me one day on a walk.... would it be so terrible or just a beautiful coincidence.

for what i have experienced i will admit it is better to feel pain than nothing. i would never harm myself. someone has to save a dog or 2.

Magdalena Gross sculpted animals in Warsaw Zoo before and after the war in Poland and i see that my grandfather on my dads side who recently passed who served in the Navy on USS Intrepid had took as much time and detail into his carvings. he mainly carved birds. beautiful. his sister had told my dad that she watched him carve a boat when they were poor and had little food as small children. he started carving after the war was over (a horrible war) the canadian goose and the loon and the crow. cranes. all of them so neat and perfectly shaped as though they were real just wooden. its a very weird feeling growing up and wanting to know more and they are gone. Ryans family had kids young so he still has his grandparents in his life. lucky man. he is 39. seen more pain and loss then me. i respect him dearly. he tells me he loves me and i can say i love him to. im still so loving and hopeful that we can always be good to each other. i can not go through another disaster. my heart can not. and will not. i will make room for grief in my furry children and thats as far as i will take it. i also am very unaware as what to do with my mom and her parents. i have this energy feel that is leading me someplace and i hope it can lead me in the best way there is. all of my life feels a little hard right now and i can only say that i really needed a good sit down and type it out.

what did you do to my eyes what did you sing to that lonely child

promised it all but you lied you better slow down baby soon