Thank you hardcore, you have made my life a lot better. It talks about a lot of the same stuff that, for example, Emery might, but does not depress me. Emery can eat a dick right now. For reelz. went on a run, didn't swim but I DID take a sweet nap. Two. Actually slept ok for once. Pretty neat. Ugh. I keep having dreams, in which I have nightmares, wake up, and no ones there. How weird is that? Two of our friends were having HORRIBLE weeks, so we all went out and bought them flowers and cards and had everyone and their mother's sign them, so that was awesome. Poor girls are having shiitttyyy weeks. Right now I am looking for typewriter fonts. Found. Now I need to find out how to install them. Important stuff, to me anyway. I'm still in a horrible limbo. I love Jordan, of course. I'ma flip a coin to see if I keep writing what I'm writing. Fuck. Guess I keep writing. Of course I love her, but who would take me back? I don't even know if I'm ready to be back with her, hypothetically saying she would take me. She is pretty happy, from what I know. I don't know much I guess. Her SD says she isn't, but shit seems to be looking up for her. I'm so proud of her for being so strong, I wish this didn't have to happen for it though. Everything I didn't like about her, which WAS NOT MUCH, seems to be better. She was the girl of my dreams, now she is the girl I was to dumb to even imagine. Perfect. She is doing good though, so who am I to try? I've had my chances, I've made enough mistakes. My three strikes are up I guess. Speaking of baseball, 3 Bosox Yank games this weekend, ALL on T.V., which is rare up here. Apparently she is dating someone. SUCKS. It hurts of course, but it just sucks. I tried dating already as well, rushed in too quick and am, by far, much worse off than I was before. I hope she isn't doing the same thing, I don't wan there hurt. Plus, from what I've heard, he is my clone, except taller and buffer (and prolly less hairy!). So I donno. I won't talk about this guy because A) I know nothing about him except a few things and B) it is her life. If he makes her happy, then I can't hate him right? Fuck I need new shoes. I don't know what I expected I guess. Was I going to find someone immediately and fall in love right away? I donno, but that isn't how it is working AT ALL. People are saying that I need time, that I can't expect to find someone good right away. I know. I know it will take a long time, if at all, to find a girl that is as compatible with me as Jordan. A girl as perfect, a girl that has so many things in her that attract me and make me love her, a girl like Jordan. God I'm not even with her and it's true. The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. So what do I do then? Exactly, no one can give me straight answers. off the top of my head I can't think of anyone that I could have that same fiery passion for, the same FIERCE love that we had. I think my biggest mistake was not showing her how much I love her. Even when I was breaking it off, I wanted her to know that it had nothing to do with our love, but I don't think I represented it enough. If I had a chance with her again, I would hug her 10000 times a day, I would fall asleep hugging her, and wake up hugging her. If I knew that's what you loved most, I would never stop. I wish I would have bought her more flowers, even picked her more flowers. I LOVED doing it, so why didn't I do it more? Exactly. I'm stupid and don't deserve her. So maybe he DOES deserve a shot. This back and forth has been in my mind a lot lately. For example. If I want her back, I shouldn't be dating anyone. She is dating though, so why should I refuse a chance at love? What if I found someone, and things were going good, and she wanted me back? Would I drop the new person? That's unfair. Would it hurt her to know I was dating someone? Would it hurt me to know she was dating someone? The happiest I've ever been in my life is when she held me, when she comforted me. OH GOD THE HEADRUBS. so petty a thing, but if I found out she rubbed someone else's head, I think that would be the worst thing possible. Her letting someone else sleep on her. WHY DIDN'T I DO THAT MORE!?! I HAD THE TIME! Of course she'll do it for someone else, it's her God given gift. Man oh man this is a long blog of shit I should not be saying. If this is how I'm feeling, how will I feel when/if I see her i person? Her voice alone brought a thousand feelings into me last night. When will we ever ACTUALLY talk about how were doing? Prolly never. We talked for a long while last night, and neither of us said a DAMN thing about our feelings or lives. What happens when I see her when I'm home? Do we hug? Do we burst into tears the second we see each other? Will I just cry, looking like a fool? Will I be emotionless? Will she cry? She won't cry, shes tuff that way. And a good cry hider. What if one of us called RIGHT NOW, and we both confessed what we've done and that we want what we had back? Then what? We wait a month or two to see each other. I can't expect her to have me do this to her, get her back, and wait it out? Wait to make sure we're right? No way Jose. I guess I get to bite my tongue for a while. Flipping a coin to see if I keep going. FUCK. Yes I want her back, yes I still love her, yes I don't know what to do, yes I'm sorry, no I don't think I should be forgiven, no I don't expect to ever have her back, no I am NOT thinking straight, yes I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her, no I don't expect her to ever trust me again. I want to be a better person, boyfriend, and husband. I've learned so much recently. What about Georgia? I kind of told her off. That would suck. Ugh I want to call her SO bad, just tell her everything. She'll read this, but it isn't the same. None of this means anything unless I say it to her, even then it probably doesn't mean much. Why would it though? I have asked a lotta of questions to myself. I want all of her stuff out of my closet and around me again. My wall was COVERED in her pictures, now there are so many holes. I took them down so I couldn't look at her, but the giant holes don't help. I can't bring myself to delete the pictures from my phone. Of course some are gone, that just isn't fair, but all the ones she sent to me as good mornings or good nights exist. I want my life back. I don't wanna be poor with anyone else. I don't wanna be a parent with anyone else. I don't want to live in a shitty apartment with anyone else. I don't want to live in a shitty house with anyone else. I don't wanna live in a mansion with anyone else. No one that I've met anyway. I need to talk to my family about how I'm feeling. I'm glad I'm a happy strong person, otherwise I'd be in pieces I think. I say I'm strong, but for Jebus' sake this entry makes me sound SO weak. Even if I never see her again, I'll be okay. I'll bounce back. I'm Kiefer Shawn Quirk. I do what I want. I wanna be happy. I want to call Jordan, but I'm not stupid. If she called me I would answer, if she wanted to talk for real, I'd spill my guts. If I'm going to talk to her about it though, I need to talk to my fam and get reassured that I'm okay. I need to know that I'm in the right state of mind to handle all this. I've been writing this for SO long. Shit, Kurt Cobain was hella good looking. The worst is I KNOW I can fall in love, an be happy with someone new, it just sucks knowing I'll never fall in love the same way, or with the same intensity. The things we've done, and the things we've been through, I could never reproduce. I feel like all the things that made us, us, makes up love. Too many of the great things the world has to offer, we took. I don't know if there is enough left to make a new one. Whew. My paper is due Wednesday not Monday. That's so sweet. Should I force myself to date? I donno. We'll see. I want her to randomly call me RIGHT NOW. Nope. NOW. Nope. What would I even sayyyy? FUCK YES! TOMORROW IS A FURLOUGH DAY AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT! NOW I DON'T HAVE TO WAKE UP TILL 10:30! Tomorrow just got SO much better. I wanna write a new song on guitar. I wanna be in a 4 piece hardcore band. I want my amp from Ethan's room so I can practice electric guitar lol. I don't think I have much more to say for now. On that subject anyway. My belt is too loose now! My shorts wouldn't stay on today. Tomorrow I'ma wear some damn cute clothes. I hope I can get new shoes soon. Mine are all kinds of fucked up. I know it might be weird, but I want all black regular vans. Or my old classic light blue ones. Something classic and hardcore, or something new and unknown? Tuffy. I wanna try the black ones out. I could look all metal core PWAHAHA. I'm talking about style, silly me. I put all my classic old school possy hardcore on my ipod. SO GOOD. I put the entire Judge" discography on there. DOPE. I didn't know their singer was fat though. I can't believe I'm listening to Nirvana, weird. Now I'm listening to Smashing Pumpkins. WEIRD. What am I doing up? I don't even know. Maybe I'll go play guitar. I want her to call me. I'm pretty sure she is probably busy though. Ok. I'm going to be bored, and NOT write in this anymore. Hopefully, this is the last you hear about Jordan for a while sitDiary. night.