My life is so fucked. Two awesome jobs that take up way too much of my time. School that feels so incredibly pointless that it hurts. No one to share myself with. I'm working so hard to absolutely nothing. Jordan is with Michael, probably. I have to see this God forsaken tattoo every day. I'm alone in my house scared as fuck to go to sleep because I'm here alone and that freaks me out. Jordan is just living her life. Why does her living hers mean me dying in mine. I'm severely depressed for the first time I think. I've been really sad, but this puts the rest to shame. I sleep for either hours and hhours, or not at all. I find myself faking being happy because people are used to that Kiefer. The super happy nothing gets to him and he is always good to go Kiefer. I am so fucking low and I have no idea on how to fix it. I am drinking less. Although that is probably ebcause I am poor as fuck. I have to borrow and ask for money, and I hate that more than anything. I have 27 dollars to feed myself and get to work until my next paycheck, which is a mystery to me. I don't know when I get paid at either fucking place. I get off work at 9 am. Who else fucking does that? Then I go to school, get off and go to work. Sleep is a foreign idea to me. I wish I wasn't the kind of person who does better when they have someone, but I am. I like sharing myself with people. Everytime I think maybe I found something, it doesn't happen. Now I'm too afraid to engage myself with anyone, because past experiences lead me to believe I can trust no one in that regard. So I just sit here brain dead watching Casablanca over and over again. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really.