the concept of a new year is stupid. new year...same problems, drama and pain. && i love how i am in my room about to cry and everyone is in the living room talking shit about me for no reason! FUCK OFF!

I am about to break down and just cry. once again i'll let my weakness show. once again my life is going nowhere but down. and its really hard with nobody around, and knowing nobody cares and knowing that i cannot have the one i want. or the one i need.

looking for a word to replace "friendship" considering that is not what i have, never was. i have always known it was false and that it would end. even through numerous promises to be there, the seemingly heart filled promise to forever be my friend, through the convincing conversations which removed my deepest fear, the reassurance of being told i need not worry about losing you. i forever doubted it all, but you put on one heck of an act, i truly thought you cared. I kept that doubt in my heart, as it repeatedly felt true. I knew that it was fake, i did not deserve a friend like you. Yet I listened to you lie to me again, i told myself my heart is wrong cause it loves you more than a friend. Yet that doubt that you cared, was my only fear. that doubt in which i now live as you push me away again, as you tell me i shouldnt even worry about you, my friend. i dont know why i am effected at all because its only what i knew would happen from the start. but now i sit here holding a broken glass heart, with blood asorbed edges and crystal tear drops. knowing it was all a lie, knowing every promise was made with no intention of being fullfilled, knowing the thing you told me not to believe, was true all along.

Screw this life and all these stupid situations i am stuck in.

looking into the past, depression always got me at my best, nearly every night i had to find a reason, a reason to drop the knife... to not do this action i'd long regret. this action i always turned to... the thought became my only friend. now as i gaze into his eyes i know happiness has been found, but living the life i have, i cannot admit this. no not even now. i live looking into your eyes, and loving the smile i could always count on... i thought it was different this time... maybe happiness was right. i admitted it, happiness got me this time... everything felt so right... that thought of fear was no longer there. yet like what goes up...it must come down. i believed i was truly happy... now look at this girl who is a wreck. i smiled for to long, and blushed to much, that happiness i finally believed in, the moment i admit it to the world, it falls to the ground...my walls were once again torn down. nothing will go right for long, and everytime my walls come down, you disappear yet again and i cant help but cry. then like my entire life i think... i have nothing better to do, just take that knife. the knife which can never leave no matter how demented i am, the knife which i can forever count on to be a friend.

would she hear me, if i called her name? would she hold me, if she knew my shame? *SMiLES* I am happy. Everything is going good for now. I am *head* over *heels* for this kid. I really do think he is something special. I was supposed to hang out with him today but he had to go to his aunts....major let down. I really wanted to hang out with him. I mean...one of my new friends and I are like on edge, I guess, but oh well. I am not going to let it bother me cause I am truly happy. Not to mention one of my like best friends and I are like not friends anyone...it sucks. but I have put too much time, effort, emotion, tears, etc. into that and I realize and know its not where I want to be. you're tears dont fall, they crash around me .:EDIT:. here is a poem i wrote i never pictured the day in which i now live, i never could of imagined you not here as my friend, i never could of saw a smile on my face with you so distant. it was my worst fear, to live this life without you here. i pictured a shattered and torn soul, because afterall you were all that kept me whole. i pictured a lost and depressed girl, because afterall you were all that kept me happy. you were once my everything, my happiness, my love, my life, you helped me through every depression, pained night and strife. a friendship which was promised to hold through the years.... now nowhere to be found, as i hold in the tears i fear. i guess i'll live through, considering i've been passing without you, i'll have to manage no matter what because i am a nothing to you. somehow i have kept strong and some reason i have moved on... i've dropped the knife even though it felt right, i've fallen for a guy, who i am ready to be my everything in life. after the endless promises, and the heart filled conversations, here we sit...struggling to have a conversation, a feeling i've never felt. the three hour long talks about nothing at all...faded quickly away, now replaced with the delayed responses and the repeated question all night. the friendship that made up my world has left as i grew weaker, dissolved as i cried too many nights.

I LOVE Him sooo much! ♥♥♥♥ and ...that's hott!

...I have no reason to care about this... YET... here i am crying, AGAIN! ...i wanna feel loved.... so badly cause I love him ♥

copy change of "i sit and look out" by walt whitman version 1 I sit and look out upon the sorrows of the world, and upon all oppression and shame, I hear silent devastated screams from within teen souls, while hating themselves, I see the camouflage walls around them, built with pain, tears, scars and fears, I see the sparkle of their eyes and see the truth; they are nothing but a lost soul searching for themselves. I mark the rankling of jealous and unrequited love in my soul as I see I am not the only one who holds this feeling near, I see the effects of hatred, rejection, pained into their bodies, the one's who believe tehy're a lost cause. I observe the depression in my heart, I observe teens slowly dying inside, losing hope with every strife. I observe the pain that has left scars on the bodies that belong to the greatest people in my life, All these-all the meanness and agony without end I sitting look out upon, See, hear, cry and remain silent. --------------------------------------------------- version 2 I sit and gaze out upon the struggles of our teen lives, and upon all ecstasy and desolation, I hear unspoken prayers from within hearts, filled with anticipation, empty of fear; I see, in diffused light, the dreamer now with tears in her eyes, now emptied by false illusions, fearful, wounded, incompetent, disoriented, perplexed; I see the hopeless romantic shattered by her mind—I see her slithering into depression; I mark the pain from this unrequited love, attempted to be hid—I see this attempt through the darkened makeup, through her pessimistic outlook of life; I see the strong willed girl, now walking out on life—I see a confused and unsupported life; I observe a life-deafening mistake—I observe a girl with the gift to survive making the biggest mistake of her life; I observe hollowness and confusion all since she fell for that untouchable guy, All these unreturned feelings, with the hidden prayer to find love in this guy, without end, I sitting, gaze out upon, Being this girl I see, living the life I hear, crying in the same way, I remain hidden, I have nothing to say.

I confess I absolutely *adore* him. I am completely head over heels... I am lovestruck ♥

how am i supposed to stay strong? you tell me i am not a burden, to any extent.. yet you reject me time after time. how am i supposed to stay strong when everytime i put myself on the line, you tell you don't need me you don't want me? how am i supposed to stay strong when i walk through life knowing you are all that matters to me yet i mean nothing at all to you? how am i supposed to stay strong when you constantly push me away and give the all famous lie "its okay"? how am i supposed to stay strong when you are all that i want yet you seemingly dont even want a friend within me? how am i supposed to stay strong when i only love you therefore making everything else feel wrong?

Me with my Black Hair