I really hate myself alot right now. like more than normally! nothing is feeling okay anymore, like i have lost my sense of comfort! and the book we are reading in AVID sucks because all it is doing is telling me how bad of a person i am, and how much i am a mess up and how like nothing will be okay! i dont know why we have to read it. But like Mayra was saying how she is feeling unwanted and everything and i dont think she has ANY idea how it feels. like i mean she is just now hating herself, but like i have forever! i mean i wake up in the morning not wanting to do anything, go any where, wondering why i am still alive. honestly, what is the point? i have nothing really! i just wish that i could start over! like leave everything I ever knew or lived and just start over. i see no point in living anymore...like i have already ruined my life, and probably will end up working at Walmart! like i have NO CONTROL over my life and it really sucks. people talk about how easy it is but it ISNT at all. i dont know where i went wrong, i dont know why i have this drama and stress in my life! i hate myself, both physically, mentally, emotionally! there is nothing good about me and i dont know what anybody would ever see! i hate it! like what did i ever do to deserve this? i mean like everyone hates me! i mean i am living a lie, and i hate everything that i know...like everything brad says i wake up thinking constantly and like nothing will ever change! i am a fuck up and that is my destiny! i guess i gotta live with it! i mean i cant think of anything that i can do to change me, i mean....i dont know! like i have been depressed for the longest time...and i feel like i want to cut but i know i really dont! i need to find something to do! something to make me forget everything going on. I think i want to talk to my old volleyball coach and see if he is practicing near my house or something so i can go practice! something to occupy my time!