i feel so shattered as it says.I mean i CANT stop wishing i was something else and wishing i could fit in. i strive to be what people expect of me and not fitting in kills me. Some people do mistake my smile for happiness but in reality it isnt. it covers so much pain. There is one special person i allow next to me but otherwise i just want to be alone alot of the time. I create worlds to escape the chaos of reality in which i live in. I am prone to depression and negative thinking. i am constantly hurt and depressed and not many people know how i feel because i push them all away and some are afraid to get close to me! i want to be able to open up and like not isolate myself but it is really hard for me to do. i bottle up my feelings and problems with hopes that they will just go away. i wish i could be normal...like everyone else around me...but apparently that is too much to ask. i am constantly feeling alone, and i try to occupy myself to not feel the pain, but it is an everlasting pain that i will never escape. everytime i turn around there is something that reminds me how horrible i am, how depressed and everything. i mean i cant take it anymore and i have no faith in my life anymore, i mean everything i know has become a blurr and i cant distugish between real and fake. everyday i cant help but blame myself for everything, and then a part of me just wants to know when it will end. i hate having this depression all the time. i just wish for once i could escape everything i know and just not worry about it all. i figured eventually this depression would go away but it has only gotten worse and worse. i dont know what to do...i mean i dont know what i should do or what i want to do! the things that once made me happy i am so confused about. he is/was it...is he still capable of removing my pain...or is he the cause of my tears? i hate to think he is the cause, because he shouldnt be! i regret getting so close to him, because now i am just a burden in his life and i cant stand it. i mean what was once there isnt anymore and i mean it wasnt supposed to change but it has so much, rather he is aware of it or not. i just wish i could remove this attachment i have to him. i never planned on being this into him. i shouldnt have said anything, i shouldnt feel this. why is the only thing i feel love for him and hatred for myself? i am a burden in his life, just something he shall regret! how can he not? i dont want to continue holding onto him when it is negatively affecting him! i love him, i dont want to lose him but i dont want to cause him any pain! no matter how much he says i dont make him miserable or anything, that one part of me feels as if i am...i believe him but my feelings say different! i dont know why i cant get over him, i mean i want to. there isnt anything there and never will be...i mean honestly. yet a huge part of me wont let go...it refuses to. no matter how much i cry or anything i will always love him. i cant control it. i just feel so horrible for being a part of his life because i am such a fuck up and i never wanted him to see the parts of me that have shown...i mean he is so perfect, why in the hell should he be bothered by my so called life which is just full of depression, why does it feel as if my life is in his hand, why have i placed him above my life? especially knowing he does not feel anything for me...i just want his life to go great and me being a part of it definitely does not let that happen! why should i love him? i cant even begin to explain anything except regret. i mean he doesnt deserve anything horrible, yet all i do it contriute to that! i wish i could walk away and end it, but i cant! {[EDIT!]} WHY? ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO IS REGRET AND ASK WHY! IF LIFE WAS NOT BAD ENOUGH, IT JUST GOT WORSE, LIFE HAS LOST EVEN MORE MEANING, MY HEART JUST DROPPED SO MUCH MORE, AND STILL I SIT HERE ALONE ASKING MYSELF, WHY! Such a bright screen, when being looked at through eyes of tears! Lately everything it shows, helps me to live out my fears. if it wasnt bad enough, everything just flipped. my heart just dropped, as i continue to sit, tears start to fall, yet the feeling isnt there. all i know how to do is regret and ask why... so here i sit, alone asking myself why... trying so hard not to cry. maybe the tears will turn to death, because inside i just want to die. six simple words... thats all it took... i will never know why. the more i think of you, the more reason i have to die why continue to lose this fight? nothing will be right... just six simple words, two names, my hearts broken... once again... i hurt.