i am not feeling good right now...i am just getting depressed right now but just thinking about the field trip stops it for a while. i mean like i dont feel like i am living completely real, and like my mom is just now worrying, she is like you needa eat at school and stuff and like it only took her long enough to realize to care about me! like yeah, before she was just like u have lunch money? but now she is all like you need to eat and blah blah so it sucks! ever since i met with the personal trainer and almost fainted my mom is like you cant do this, you need to eat and my dad hasnt said crap about it! it is just that eating doesnt please me! there doesnt seem to be a point...there doesnt seem to be a point in half of the stuff i do in this life! i am just like wanting to cry everything away but i cannot cry hard enough! i just wish like everything would quit and let me catch up! like when we were lost today at Pepperdine! i just wish somebody was there to help me through it all! like i hate licing in my life and i just wish that i had a choice, because i do not like it right now! i mean the only thing worth while is liking the person i do...but then at the same time it isnt because he likes someone else! i just feel that like there is no place in life for me...i just like dont understand the purpose anymore! like i have been screwed forever..and it is my parents fault..it is a long story! i just hate it all right now! like i was force fed as a child because i was so small and stuff and like i was put on pills to make me eat and shit and i just feel that like if i was skinny then i wouldnt feel so hated! like it makes sense to me in my mind but sounds awkward written! i cant take it....i just want to be something i am not! i hate how like fucked this world is because it is sooooo hard to feel a sense of comfort or anything in it! like i just want friends!~!~! like i am so confused and frustrated that like my whole view on life is demented! i dont think that is the word i am looking for...i am not sure i am so out of it! i am just going to scream...and maybe then someone will actually notice me, but i think that that is asking for to much! what isnt asking to much in this world? i cannot seem to get anything or hold onlto anything...it sucks! like i hate how i am so messed up and it is worse when nobody even notices...not even family! it just makes me feel so unloved and unwanted...so uncomfortable. why are people so blind to the facts? it is honestly that hard to see that someone hates themselves and just wants to be liked? i know it is hard to fulfill but cant anyone even notice? i mean i swear...it is so bad and like if you knew me would you be able to tell? you wouldnt even look to see! i fuckin hate this reality!