I just feel so...alone and hated! like i am feeling like a back up...that is always like just there whenever I am needed and like feeling sooo second rated. Lately I have just been like sitting on the side like WATCHING my life pass me by. I dont know what I am doing or how to fix it! i am trying like so hard to fit in with our school and be liked...be everything i am not right now. i just wish i had someone there who really understands me and really cares....i dont want to have to worry if they are lieing or what they say behind my back. I am just getting so caught up in them media and everything and like before I would not care if I was liked at our school...but now it is becoming like something I want. Actually I do not really know what I want...i just feel like I am hated in the school and I feel like such a loner! I am like losing my mind...i feel like an outsider and i have no idea what to think. my dad constantly reminds me how my life is like passing me by and shit.of how stupid i am...of how WORTHLESS i am. i just want something i dont care anything but what I have! Like i want friends who are always there...I dont want to have to worry about what is being said about me...I want people to understand me honestly and not just be like yea yea and like i want people to get to know me before they judge me! Like i thought foothill would be different than De Anza and the stupid shit there but now it is like the same thing. I mean i was hated so much at de anza and i thought that i would have a chance at foothill but i dont! it is the same thing and i want to fuckin die! why do u think i didnt go to ventura? i am losing all purpose in life i mean nothing is going to get better for me. why should i even live? i mean if u fuckin think about it i dont have a purpose in life! my whole life has been hell and then i finally find something that i feel gives me a purpose and then it just causes more pain! i mean like i am a nobody...a waste of air and nobody seems to care! i mean come on...what would be the difference if I wasnt alive? I honestly doubt anyone would fuckin care! they wouldnt even notice! and the ones who would would just be happy! i doubt i will fucking be anything...i mean this place is sooo fucked up and i cant do this anymore! i mean i just want someone to be there and there never is...nobody fucking cares because this is me i am talkin about. i honestly dont know who my friends are because i dont fuckin think i have any....or any real ones that is! i am sick and tired of life! what is there to live for when everyone you think likes you hates you...when you are all alone and ppl dont notice how fucked up of a person you are...when you cry and nobody notices....when you are standing right there and people just ignore you? i hate being compared to everyone else and i am the one who does the comparing. i mean fuckin eh...like if i was like everyone else maybe i would have a friend...maybe if i was pretty someone would notice me. i cant even compare in reality! and my alternate reality is just the same! i am far from what ppl like...and that is how it always has been. i cannot even seem to name a true friend. image and popularity is everything to everyone rather you admit it or not and i cannot compare. i hate it because i am always alone...like no matter what i am going through. i am sooooo sick of crying. i cannot help but think what would my life be like if i was popular...if i had the "perfect body" if i wasnt a bitch. i just want to be liked...understood or even listened too but no that is tooo much too ask for! i do not think i can go on living this life...there is nothing in it for me...i mean i dont even know who my friends are. i am sick of crying and cant help but think of dieing. like honestly how many people would care? especially when none of you care if i am there right now! i know your lives would be better if you didnt know me...i hate myself more than you may know.