I'm sitting here listening to the CD's you made me and trying to write my essay, which is what I've been doing for the past 3 hours. I can't stop thinking though... about everything. I'm suppose to be writing this essay, and I am, but I can't concentrate. There's so much on my mind right now that I feel like my brain's going to explode. That's why I'm writing this. I feel like I'm in control when I write. I feel okay again... even though I'm crying right now. - I miss Kadi, and I can't stop feeling bad about hurting her. It's all I've been able to think about the past couple days. -I feel guilty about missing Kadi and that she's all I can think about, because I'm suppose to not care anymore. I'm the one that let HER go. It wasn't the other way around. So why am I the one that can't stop thinking about HER? -I'm scared... of who I am... of who I want to be... of everything. I feel like I can't do this. Like I can't be who I am... or do what I want to do. It's too hard. This is all too hard... and I'm not strong enough. -I give good advice to everyone. I know what everyone else should do, and how they should do it... and I tell them. But when it comes to me... when it comes to MY life, I don't know what to do... and I don't know how to do it. I'm so good at giving solutions to everyone else's problem's but my own. I seem to be able to help everyone else but myself. -I need something. I need someone. I need to feel like I have control again. Like I'm okay again. I don't know if I ever actually WAS okay, but at least I felt like I was? And I need that back... because I don't feel okay right now. I feel everything BUT okay. I feel scared... confused... lost... broken... and all alone. I AM alone. None of you know what I'm going through right now, or how hard this is for me. You don't... and you can't... and I'm alone in this. You guys are always there, and you're all amazing friends and I've never had better friends than you, ali and corey... but, because of everything that's going on with me right now, I've never felt more alone in my life. -I don't know how to be this person. I look around and see nothing but heterosexual relationships. It's all I've ever seen... and all I've ever known. I don't know how to be a lesbian, or how to let myself be, for that matter. -Who I am is looked down upon in society. If you see a gay or lesbian couple walking around on the streets and they're kissing or holding hands people stop and stare. Sometimes people even give dirty looks or, in rare cases, say something to the couple. I don't know if I'm ready for that... if I'm ready for that kind of judgement. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with it everyday, for the rest of my life. Yes, you guys (my best friends) support me and are fine with the way I am... but that's you guys... that's not the rest of the world! -How are my parents going to take the news that I'm gay? I worry about it constantly. Everytime I look at them, it's right there in the back of my mind. It follows me everywhere I go... this question of how they're going to handle it... how they're going to react... how they're going to look at me. It never goes away. Never. -I keep having mixed feelings. One day I'll be fine with who I am, and the next I'll just want it to go away. -I need to stop falling for people so fast, because I'm setting myself up to get hurt. -I was so excited about Andrea... but I'm not now. It's almost like I know it's too good to be true. I want it too bad, and that's how things get messed up... that's how you loose things. I fell way too fast. -I've been listening to the last song on one of the CD's you made me for the past half hour (I put it on repeat). It's the titantic one. There's no words, just music... and it's beautiful. For some reason it makes me feel like I'm okay. I'm sitting here listening to it, and even though there are no words, I feel like it's speaking to me. Like it's telling me I'm going to be okay. -Andrea's scared. I know I've told you that already, but I think it's why I'm so scared. When I first started talking to her, I was happy. For the first time I felt like I could do this... like I could be who I am. But that feeling's gone now. It's gone and I so badly need it back. I need her to be okay with this... to be okay with us. I need her to NOT be scared... because when she's not scared, I'm not scared. When she's okay, I'm okay. I need someone to make me okay again. I need someone who's sure of themselves... someone who can make me sure of myself. I shouldn't need that, but I do... I need that more than anything right now.