Knowing that I'd eventually be forced to come here... to leave you, Niki, and my family... haunted me all summer. And the harder I tried not to think about it, the more I did. It was always right there in the back of my mind. Sometimes, it was all I could think about... no matter what I was doing. And now I'm here. I'm stuck here with Ali and Corey... and I've never felt more alone in my entire life.

It doesn't feel like home to me here... and I can't see it ever feeling that way. Not without you... and Niki. I miss you... and her. I miss everything. I hate being here. I can't be okay here... I'm not okay. And I still feel like I'm going back to Marietta soon. Almost like I'm here just to visit or something. Even though all my stuff is here. My bed... and my clothes. Everything of mine is here... but it doesn't feel right. It's my second night here, after officially moving in for good... and I'm not okay... at all. I miss her. I miss Niki so much right now that it hurts... and I can't stop it. I need her. I'm not okay without her. She's what makes me okay. As long as she's in the same room as me... even if she's across the room and not even paying attention to me... I'm okay. And she's not here... she's so far away from me right now that I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like that's ridiculous... but for some reason, I don't care... because I love her. I'm deeply in love with her. I feel like a part of me is missing when I'm not with her... I don't feel whole. If I was stranded on a desert island with absolutely nothing, but she was there with me, I'd be okay. And honestly... before she got sick, like she has been the past week, I was unaware of how in love with her I truly am. I mean, I knew that I was... but on Friday and Saturday night, when she was really bad and I had to take care of her... the fact that I was ready to do absolutely anything in my power to make sure that she was okay, made me realize how in love with her I was. Those two nights... she was the only thing I cared about. And I put everything else aside for her... because all I cared about was getting her better. I was so unbelieveably worried about her... it was crazy.

If I could move her up here with me tomorrow, I would. And I wish... more than anything... that, that was a possibility... because it's gonna be a long 2 1/2 to 3 months up here without her. I know I'm strong... I just hope I'm strong enough.