I just started reading this book called Fearless. Which is ironic, because that's how I wish I felt. Maybe that's why I'm reading it. Part of me hopes that Max Lucado, the author, will somehow be able to teach me how to be more fearless. I need to feel strong right now, because what I'm doing for her is scary for me. I owe her this, which is the only reason I've agreed to go through with it, but that doesn't mean I want to. I mean, I was okay with the idea at first, but that was when it was just that, an idea. Now that it's real, I find myself avoiding anything that will make it happen. Like not checking my email on a daily basis, or answering my phone everytime I don't recognize a number.

The worst of it is that she trusts me enough to let me handle the most important part. What she doesn't realize is that I haven't been working my hardest to make it happen. Which makes me a horrible person, because it's what she desperately wants.

It took awhile, but this has become my home. A place where I'm comfortable. One where I love the campus, my friends, and both of my jobs. I worked too hard to make a life here, and I'm not ready to throw in the towel and move back. Which is why I'm not real enthusiastic about finding someone to take over our apartment lease. And until that gets done, I can't apply for a new job, or start looking for a new apartment. I don't want to start over. Which makes me a really selfish person, because I feel like all I'm thinking about is what I want, and not what she wants. The thing is, I can't figure out why I'm so scared to leave this place, when it would probably be easier if we moved back. There's just so much we still have to do before it could happen.

Which brings me back to the book. I need to be fearless, and trust God. If not for myself, then for her, because she wants and deserves this move. Even if it's something that I'm not ready to do. Plus, it's new year's eve, which in itself means change. So maybe I'm suppose to embrace it.

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Writing used to help me cope with my life... I don't know if it does anymore.