A week or so before Andrea came to visit, Niki and I were having some problems. We were fighting a lot and the sexual part of our relationship was almost nonexistant. But while Andrea was here I think it helped Niki and I realize how lucky we were to have each other. It was almost like we were back to normal which was good because I missed her, and sharing that intimate part of our relationship with her. But now we're right back where we started... and it's my fault. I'm beginning to think I'm a sex addict or something. So now, I've started distancing myself from her again. Only this time it's because I would rather her think that I'm mad. That way I don't have to deal with the fact that I'm a stubborn and selfish bitch, which is the one and only reason her and I aren't "okay". Whenever things get better, I'm always the one that screws it up. I have a lot of problems. Most of which deal with self-esteem issues. But she's the one suffering because of these problems... when it should be the other way around. Sometimes I feel like she deserves better than me... she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship that's constantly going up and down on this emotional roller coaster. It's not fair to her... because none of this is her fault. It never was, and it never will be. She tries so hard, and I just push her way because I don't want to hurt her anymore. If I could just figure out how to punish myself without hurting her, then everything would be okay.