SO I have been having a lot of stressful times in my life. For one my grandma has cancer and is sick her surgery is monday. I guess I just dont like thinking about people getting old too much. There have been a couple dogs that have died that come to my work and it feels like I get more sad about them then any kind of person that I know. Possible I try and block parts of my life out.

I broke up with Matt yesterday, its been a while (6 months) of power and me being weak. Not speaking my mind or trying to have any friends. I havent talked to him at all really. He got mad at me yesterday for walking up stairs and hanging out with mac and her friends for like 10 minutes. He ignored me and then just said I was up there because guys were there, his friend Nic even said I dont get why you would get mad for her just going upstairs.... I wonder sometimes if he ever were to get so mad he would just lash out. And I would have to feel his anger. I dont want to think that, Its scary cause im not really sure if he would ever do that or not. I should never even think of that if I am with someone who says they love me right? I went home went to bed, didnt talk to him didnt call nothing.... and a call at 1 am ignored another call so I answered.... he was yelling mad at me of course saying things that were just dumb so i said bye. everything was fine and then the text messages came.... saying he was going to get laid and that Im a stinky acne whore... he also sent his only mistake in life was dating such a whore like me...

What did I do to deserve that? Thats not right at all. So hopefully (im trying my hardest) I dont call or text or even answer him. I want a trip away from this town and work. I want to see my friends and sam the two things that make me happy atleast. because the only friends i have here are animals and sometimes it gets pretty lonely. I dont want to be low again, Im still on medication but I am out of them right now so it has been a while since i took them. I made a lot of changes and sometimes i want to go back and see part of my past again.

I feel i have been wasting my time a lot of it and it depresses me. I want things to be better and not so hard for a while. I still want a couple friends and a piece of myself back