Honestly where.

not trying to make this in a sad way but putting it out in a way i feel stuck/non existent.

its been over a year and i have been trying to be happy... umm hello. why am i not being what i really want.

why is being what i want . what everyone wants. thats what i want.... i want the world for everyone. the fucking world.

i sit. i sit. i sit. i think think think... ponder.... go back. get lost in a world i seen ..... in front of me. which is the stupidest thing. its all different . and change is a good thing. so my smile.... is still.... existent . phew.

learning how to breathe. hmmm breathe breathe breathe... like im breathing and my heart isnt beating. my pulse would show up as "zero" but my eyes would be wide open. looking into yours. and just hating seeing everything.

im not alone and i know this.... so why do people make me feel alone. especially when i need them?

why do i fight things that are right and get so wrapped up in the belief that one day things will come together.

i havent been to a dentist in years. i live rent to rent now. my back is always sore. i owe money for shit that i feel is just too much. i see rain instead of snow now. its like.... my season is never changing... my leaves are the same color... and some days they shine more then others. blowing away and wondering where light is when im standing inside of it. i feel the dark is just as important. like its a dark shining light. and it dims as the days go on. then flicks back on just when it seems completely dark.

my mind.... oh my mind. how i wish my mind was easy to read... but it wanders where it pleases. and for some reason im the only one who likes it.... parts that others really dont.... i have to accept my "fucked upness"

and i do.... its a good thing. i still feel detached from the world... i still feel very .... part of something that is bigger then what anyone really can see.

i want to jump into others minds as if its a hot spring. and even though it smells like straight shit. i want to sit. and wait and see. and break beyond the shit smell to enjoy the hot water.feel the steam hit my face ... test my eyes from closing. and from getting out...

very few people i choose to talk to .... and the very few..... leave me.

other people just dont have it in them to really sit in my hot spring.

i end up being a stinky experience in hot water with a shitty group of people.

its getting hard not having anyone. also getting easier being alone.

when Gerald died... going to his funeral was another moment where i wasnt sure what is real and whats not. i sat in the back... cried... when i wasnt so sure why... i felt Geralds heart.... even when he forgot it was there. That helped me feel.... others help me feel... they dont know it.... then when its gone... its like all this.... was just.... air. just cold air. ...

i sense and smell.... and hear.... and wonder why people can say that its all in your mind. its all in your head....

love love love love.... hate.

i show this much... and get............ ( )

and maybe i just dont get how people think leaving you by your own is the best thing.... i want to hold random strangers with forgotten eyes for hours days and years.... and make everything better.

we were supposed to be together as people.... why was i one to know this and live by this. you people will suffocate me. i will still fight for my breath and its all for you. all this air is just for you. for the world.

whats eating lindsey johnson.... not lindsey johnson. its you.... all of you.