funny how i want to start this in conversation to you to myself to maybe look back on and see how shit all kinda stays the same but i change more....
new orleans i can say has swallowed a part of me that i know i cant get back... the money has been nice i have been able to afford my 1300 place my animals my side bills and still put a little away...
mom has been searching still... for comfort... like many of us... it just seems her searching is somewhat draining my part.... money here and there.... wish i could just set it all up for them....
why cant i. why cant i live on this full potential that i want so much./...
because the other side of this world is very deceiving.... almost keeps u in a low where ur always trying to get up there.
not complaining.... i know anything can be possible... but why is it such a messed up way to do so...
the nature is what keeps me going .... if only others could play it out the same
they help me smile.... why cant the people i try to help smile....
or in a way be better....
everyone is an individual yet they all are in categories.... i could write more but the thought is exhausting
because even the good categories fall into these fucked up games....
so i may be at risk with my job... been working at penthouse for 3 years and its supporting my everything... i fell out hard after jonny left... he already found love and comfort in the eyes of another girl and her son....
i sometimes wonder if he pictures him as ours.... actually... i always do. wish i didnt ... that one thing in my life made me question my own sanity... and others and the worlds.
what is right and what is wrong is no longer the questions i ask.... its like i know....
the truth is hard to come upon... hard to understand and hard to figure out... kind of just have to roll with it.
our crazy looking forms can feel some crazy shit ... and have so much effect on so much. its almost like it is all a crazy dream and knowing that it may be or may not be.
hard to cope with wounds all the time even when i walk around life like its singing me in a song.
i have anxiety around children and my mom... i almost wish that was something that could go away... i want to talk to her about it but i dont want to crush her but i feel almost crushed not saying the feelings.... i try to part the relationship i had with jonny and the relationship i felt with my child inside me. i wish more people would have said congratulations instead of looking at me like the world was done.... i wish i spoke up more instead of putting on this front the whole time.... driving to a different place had nothing to do with it... it all seemed fucked.... sam if your reading this... i want you to know that you were the only person in that time that had hope in me and made me feel happy and that everything would be okay...
now i sit wondering what totally okay will ever be, and knowing that i AM okay... but i am also very ... not.
im afraid i will never see light in such a evil .... thing....
i am sorry that i had no faith in myself at that time and i want you to understand that i was weak and that every moment of every day i feel you close and see you as if you are really here. i hope that my voice can help in others way that may fall into the same circumstance. and when i do things good.... i do them for you. because i hope that you see and when we do meet in spirit you can find a way to call me mom... and your home. and i can find comfort at last with you.
thank you for those times.... when i really do see you... i have been alone ever since .... within myself.
my relationships with others that i know love me and as i love them seem kind of a fake .... conversation... meet... talk... hugs...
like i almost feel its better to shut myself out a while... till maybe i can feel real with them again.... people can say what they studied or what they have seen or experienced.... this is .... this is something that can not be studied... its real... its on life paper YES LIFE PAPER ......before paper was even a word. those feelings will linger and people can try and understand it... but if they dont feel it.... its best they just comfort instead of cover it with statistics and rights and the whole word and what the fuck it even is and why its so disgusting to even say.
i have met someone who showed me different things... i can see him being there.... but honestly i cant be perfect for anyone and they cant be perfect for me.... i just... know that. i wonder if that bothers my mom a lot cause she knows she is like that to... like it is just better to keep you all at the distance your in and dont get too close because too close means your stepping into a pit that we both end up digging .... till its nothing left to dig and we all get hurt....
i know i can love people.... but the funny thing is is that i love all people... even the people that i know that should not be alive. they all lost themselves along the way..... maybe thats what makes me more crazy then most. i can smile while you hurt someone.... knowing that i love you and i can hurt you for what they did to you that you reflected onto them.....in that sense....
can i dive into this deep inner part of me... is that possible. meditating and resting... are just helping... can i fucking just jump in and fix it.... everyone and everything.
Jack is still my mirror... i get overwhelming thoughts of just Brick greeting me at the door.... and just start biting my tounge and holding my throat.... almost like tears are not even a part of what will.... happen when it does happen.
im scared. and im sad that he never got to see me figure this shit out... he should be running by my side in a prairie exploring every part of this world that it has to offer... he deserves it.... the animals deserve it more then any of us people. they try and show us how simple it can be and how loved you can be and we just still lye awake at night bitching about our lives that we never live... the complaints that could change and the dragging on of stupid shit that just doesnt matter at all... just eat breathe and enjoy the time it gives you. FUCK why do i GET IT and not get it!!!!!!!!!!!!
feel like im going nowhere at the moment... and i know i want to change things ... sucks cause i want another year or few months and then just fuck it go.... Jack needs it... and i need to stop finding what i need and show him what he wants because i think thats just what i need to feel a certain way again....my mirror.... Jack can you rewind. OR turn into a beautiful eagle when your body grows tired....
the truth is that... your tail wags when i really try to make you wag it.
im sick of trying Jack..... I just want you to wag it all the time.
Lindsey.... this is your life now at 23.
Smiling still and crying still. Ahh life you are just a wild wild wild adventure.
Love you Samantha!!!