So I've always thought the morning after wasn't supposed to feel like this The morning after is supposed to be a good feeling The night before felt great Amazing, Free, Happy, Me Everything I always want But this morning isn't the mornings where I remember Cause last night wasn't drinking to forget Last night was just drinking But this morning I remembered sooo much more then ever before I dreamed about his car The crash That night It played over and over again 100 times Just as clear as that night almost 4 years ago It was terrifying The more I tried to wake up The more it hurt I woke up in a cold sweat screaming Scared the shit out of my parents Their worried now Last time I did that was October 11, 2004 That was when S started to see "someone" Now they think I should go back Some thing triggered it Some thing someone said or did It's never happened like that Usually I get restless around his birthday and the anniversary But never just out of the blue like And never to that extent I was literally screaming Mom said I screamed out "Please Scott come back don't leave me" I was in hysterics Something is wrong I think I have a problem I know I have a problem Drinking every weekend to forget all the pain Forget about Scott Forget about Dillan Now Jay leaving to arizona Before I used to use drugs That's how I subdued the pain Now I'm drinking Not sure which is worse Not sure which is better Their both expensive They both kill the pain If only for the night They both make me feel like shit the morning after I wish I could forget it all There are LOTS of good memories I know that But this past year it feels like All I can remember are the bad ones All I can remember is the car And seeing him laying in the pine box Lifeless I keep telling my self that's not how to remember him But I cant get it out of my head Then I think about Dillan Laying in the hospital bed With no light in his eyes No sparkle in his smile He looked so tired and almost gone It hurt so much when he died Almost as much as when Scott died It was different tho With Scott it was such a sudden thing that I was lost With Dillan we knew it would happen But it still hurt soooooo fucking badly Losing them has consumed me I just I just don't wanna get the help I'm afraid to admit to my parents I'm afraid to tell them just how weak I am 4 fucking years and I still haven't even STARTED to get over it Some days I tell my self that hes not gone That hes still here Just on vacation 4 fucking years and I still don't wanna believe it I can't tell them that I can't tell my family that I'm still having problems Their all getting along fine They think I am too And I would like to keep it that way I just wish things were easier to deal with I wish I still had someone to turn to People just don't get it x Kristna