Dear Scott, if only i could tell you all this...... i hate lieing to myself almost as much as i hate lieing to my friends, so why is it that for the past 10 months i've been doing just that. every morning i wake up i lie to myself saying that im fine and that everything is ok and that today is a day like any other. every day i see my friends i lie about how im doing. (fly - hilary duff) they ask "are you ok?" i reply "yea, i'm fine couldn't be better" ha what a lie. the bad part of all this is no one seems to notice. even people that know me really well its like i say im fine and they know im not they can tell in my voice, in my actions, the distant look on my face. but instead of digging deeper and makeing me talk about things they just brush it off. i want to talk about it but when i do they offer me pathetic advice that wont work, and they act like they understand whats going on, like they know how i feel. but they DON'T! no one gets it. and the people that do get it, i'm afraid to really open up to them and see me at my weakest, because i've done that to those people before and they hurt me. i've felt let down because you always said you would be there for me no matter what and now when i need you the most your not here and i feel so LET DOWN! i hate it! it makes me mad at you even though i know its not your fault, but i wanna be mad i have to be mad at someone or something and so i'm mad at you for leaving me all alone and leaving me with no one and leaving me to cry my self to sleep every night since. its like i have no one left and i hate it, im afraid of being alone you know that and yet here i am alone. yea i have friends but its not the same, you were my big brother and theres nothing that can take that place. i went driving last night and passed that tree because i wanted to see it and look at it i got mad. really mad! and i wanted to get out of the car and yell at the tree and hurt it, i wanted it to feel the pain i feel everyday. and then i realize it wont work cuz trees don't have feelings like me, they dont understand loss. they cant hurt from losing the one person in their life that made them want to live. no person or thing understands this and i just dont know what to do, my screen is blurred beacuse my eyes are full of tears, tears i cry hopeing they would bring you back but knowing that nothing will... (tears in heaven - eric clapton) i hear this song and those tears become worse because it makes me realize it makes it all seem so final like your really never comming back...for a while i was kidding myself saying that you were just on vacation and you would come back and everything would go back to normal and i could finally stop crying my self to sleep every night and i would be ok. but you never came back and i miss you soo much and i hate this so much i dont know how much longer i can do this without you i need my big brother back i need you so much. (someones watching over me - hilary duff) this just isnt fair, its not supposed to be like this, you werent supposed to die, it was your year you were on our way to the top and then you died and now its over and its not fair not fair not fair! i just want you to come back scott you've been gone long enough not come back. love always your baby sister.