A year ago today, i was a happy normal kid, living a happy normal life. but a year ago today something changed and i havent been the same since. on october 10, 2004 at 12 min to midnight my life changed for good, my brother died. its sooo scary to think that i've already gone through a whole year without him. everything seems to have gone by in just one big blur i barely remember any of it accept i remember that night that dan called soo well. like its burned in my mind forever, i'll never forget that night, just like i'll never forget scott. last night i had my dream and this time it was soo much more real and it scared me, i woke up in tears and i was soo scared, and i pretty much havent stopped crying since. i just don't know what to do with my self. i need to get away from all this. i need to escape all the sadness that surrounds me. last nights dinner was hell on me, my uncle said grace and we went around the table to say what we were thankfull for and when it came to me i simply said "i'm not thankfull" well you would have thought i had killed the pope with my grammas reaction, she said "you must be thankfull for something" and i said "whats to be thankfull for i hate this god damn holiday" and i got up a left the table. and went down stairs, oddly enough of instaed of sending my mom or my dad to come talk to me and get me they sent my cousin daniel.... he just let me cry for a good 20 min and all i could say was how much i miss scott and how badly i want him here. he just hugged me and held me and didnt say anything, it felt good to be with someone who didnt try to offer me stupid advice. eventually i went upstairs and ate, i was silent for the rest of the night, i know its harsh to say im not at all thankfull and i mean im sure theres something i am thankfull for but i just cant think of something good right now. its just so hard to think of good things when my life is so shit right now. i do nothing but cry my self to sleep most nights thinking about him and i wake up at night in tears from my dreams. i've been on insanely stong anti-depressants since a week after the accident and they dont do anything accept make me remember just how happy i was when he was still alive and everything was back to normal. when they wear off you crash...worse then anyother drug. the funny part is no one knew any of that accept chels. how do i tell you guys that im on a bunch of drugs and i go see a shrink every monday night(accept tonight)hopeing that it'll make me better but it doesnt. nothing makes me better. i know i have to move on and be positive but im so scared that if i do i'll forget about him. -kristina