I know the entry title says i'm ok....but i'm not. lately things have been hard and i dont know why but everything just seems harder without him here. i know its been a long time and you all think i've been doing just great....but i havent. its all a lie, i say i'm just great but i'm not. its always the case and no matter how many times i tell people that i'm lieing when i say i i'm just fine no one seems to ask if i'm really fine, they just assume that this one time i'm telling the truth, well i'm not. my dreams about it are comming back, and i'm starting to sleep less and less, maybe its because.....i dont know. i just wish i could stay in my dreams forever because in my dreams hes alive and hes with me and were together, they way it should be. i cant stand life, i cant stand living this lie like i'm just fine. i'm depressed, did you guys know that? bet not. never woulda thought i was now would you. i can hide it, i guess its not only that, but no one bothers to ask if i'm ok when clearly you can see somethings wrong, is it because you dont care, or is it because you choose to ignore the fact that one of your good friends is on the verge of a huge break down? i think i'll go with the first,you dont care, it seems more reasonable considering the way i'm treated by some of my so called "friends" and trust me for some of you i use the term friends loosely. i'm spending another saturday night alone facing my thoughts, i hate my thoughts. i hate it when i'm home alone like i am right now, it leaves me with too much time to think and thinking isnt a good thing for me. because when i think i get upset cause i think of how good things used to be when scott was here and i actually smiled every single day, i was really happy. i miss that. you may not believe this but since the night of the accedent i havent been happy, i cant be, i feel like if i'm happy everything that makes me happy is just gonna get stolen right out from under me. just like last time i was happy, mike ruined things, i was happy again, scott died. happyness just seems to bring hurt and sadness, i dont think i'm gonna be happy again. i dont wanna get hurt again, i dont wanna be sadder then i alreay am. -kristina