It's just been one of those days again...and its hard. its been almost 3 weeks and i still dont know what i'm doing. i'm still confused and no on knows...maybe its cause i dont know how to tell you all what i'm going thru....maybe this will get the message to you. i feel like crying but i cant because it seems like theres just not enough time, i wanna leave. i just dont know anymore things are so complicated and confusing. sometimes i wish it was me instead of him i dont know why. i would give anything to have him back i miss him sooooo much and i still cant accept that hes gone and that hes not commin back that hes not gonna be there for me. the sleepless nights continue and i cant get rid of them. i wonder who i'm supposed to run to when things go wrong i dont have a brother there anymore to help me. theres no one to protect me to pick me up when i'm down, to just talk to. like i dont know who to go to....i need someone whos like a brother, i need a shoulder to cry on and i dont have that person and i dont know who can be that person. i never know i'm always just so urgh!! i never know anything I'M LOST!!!! and i cant find my way back and i need help for that and i dont know i dont know i dont know!! i'm sooo frusterated right now and i dont know who to turn to who to go to for help my friends dont understand my parents i cant stand to see them cry my family isnt much help teachers n shit dont understand either so there not much help theres always heather and the guys but i feel stupid calling them to help me i mean there going through the same thing i am....and i dont want to bother them with my problems..it seems like i have to go through this alone and i know for a fact i cant do that i cant handle this all on my own i'm not strong enough to handle this by my self i cant do it all alone but theres no one there to help me through this!!!! no one seems to notice that i cant do this on my own they think that i'm fine that everything is A-O-K buts its not!! nothing is OK nothing is fine, things are hell n there hard and no one noticed that i'm breaking down on the inside and they cant see that partly becase i wont let them and partly because they dont want to know about it, at least thats how it seems they act like i should forget about it well i cant he was my brother he meant everything to me now hes gone i cant just forget it!!! "WANDERING AROUND DURING THE DAY AND FALLING IN AT NIGHT I MISS YOU LIKE HELL" that quote reminds of what i'm doing now. i walk around during the day never knowing where i'm going and then i come home and i just fall in to bed although i dont sleep. and its true i miss him like hell. i miss him more than anyone knows. this has hit me so hard and i just know what i'm doing. i wish people would notice what i'm going through and see that i'm not fine i mean it cant be that hard to see i'm not fine. i sit there and stare into space and they ask if i'm ok and i say i am but i'm not i lie but i cant tell them i dont want their pitty i dont want their sumpathies, it just makes me feel stupid. i just want them to for once not ignore me. i dont want them to sit there and act like nothing is wrong when everything i wrong!!!! -kristina