I dont know what to do....people have been saying alot of stuff about me lately and its not the good stuff. everyone just seems to think im a slut and a whore. whats worse is i talk to my friends about it and most of them agree and say i should just change who i am. how the fuck do you propose i go about doing that huh? for the past 3 and half years all i've known is what i am now....useing sex to get attention from people. you know you would think my fucking friends would support me in this but no they agree with the rest of them and think im a slut....its good to know you all understand me. no one fucking understands me! none of you know what its like to live my life....to deal with what i've dealt with...and im not talking about scott. i'm talking bout what happened with robbie. rape fucking changes a person for the rest of their life...in my case it made me see that sex doesnt have to mean anything...it just has to feel good and get me attention from boys. before i started to have sex i was nothing no one.....i was a fucking loser and i had almost no friends. then duran came along and showed me what sex is like and how good it felt and how much attention it got me.....i saw this as a good thing...it was a way for me to get a guy to pay attention to me. but i didnt start to use untill after me and him broke up and robbie raped me...then sex lost its meaning..it was nothing...and now well i fuck a guy 4 times the first night i meet him. go ahead those of you who read this diary i know are my friends and i know you agree with everyone.... dont say you dont..i know what you all think of me i'm not that fucking stupid! I KNOW YOU ALL THINK IM NOTHING MORE THEN A WHORE!!!!! WELL GUESS WHAT your right im a whore...i can admit it...and yea i can change it but its not gonna be over night.....im a codependent i need someone else in my life and that someone is usually a guy i can fuck at my disclosure. its hard to change things like this over night....it just doesnt work that way. i see a shrink for this....we know that i use sex as a tool for attention and becuase i ahte the idea of being alone...especially in the last year...being alone allows me to think and we all know i hate to think becuase i think about scott and i get upset. my shrink said it best...lately i've been replaceing this horrible empty void in my heart where my brother was with sex and attention from the wrong kind of guys....guys like kenton and riley. guys that know what my life is like and know how to help me with my problems...guys that feed both of my addictions....the sexual and illegal.... which reminds me i have to call kenton...i got nothing left and i have 2 midterms comming up that are worth alot....i need it to keep me awake to study.... im back in the habit.....and the only person who can pull me out isnt fucking here any more. so i guess i'm gonna fuck up everything because god had to fucking take my rock away from! fuck you god! you take away my rock and this is what happens....i turn into who i was...who i never wanted to be again but i am -kristina on a side note i fucking wish the god damned telemarketers would stop calling my fucking house asking to speak to scott...hes been dead a year and the same fucking company keeps calling asking to speek to him....im sick of telling them hes dead!