its been almost 1 week since hes been gone and its been so hard. i feel lost at every turn, nothings the same and i wish it was...i'm back in my old habits back with my old friends and general headed in a downward spiral. the party last night was fun it was what he would have wanted.... i just wish i hadn't done what i did. why am i doing this i'm letting myself just fall for him all over again. i'd say it was a drunk mistake but it wasnt i knew what i was doing and who i was doing it with. i knew and i still did it. i wont forgive myself cuz i've possably fucked things up with matt.... the smokeing the drugs the drinking the guys its back in the habit it was so hard to break in the first place and now its even harder i just feel like i belong with them...there like me they dont have the best lifes and they like what i like. they knew him and being with them its just its different from ebing with my friends. i've missed the parties i used to go to and the fun i had at them and last night reminded me of what i was missing.....things just arent what they used to be and i miss them. i just wish things would go back to the way they were....scott still here and parties every weekend me and mike happy....i dont know why but i miss the way i used to be things were so much simpler then and it was easyer to deal with things. when you felt down there was a way to get up wether it was talking with the guys or going out for a smoke or a drink or takein a hoot. i know their bad habits but like it says old habits die hard well mine havent died quite yet. people say things are gonna get better and its gonna be easyer its not its gonna get hard think of all the firsts i have to go thru with out him. first day was like a dream first week has been hell i can even imagine what the first month is gonna be like....i got a birthday commin up its gonna be my frist one without him...same with christmas i dont know how to handle this. i know i appear so strong on the outside but on the inside i'm a mess.....i just wish he would come back and things go back to the way they were. i miss him i miss it all of it why can't things go back to the way they were? -kristina