i asked marcus to be my friend on myspace today. it's weird to see the guy that i lost my virginity to being so adult like. idk if he's even being an adult... more like a guy who's doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it (fishing)... and he hasn't been in a relationship since high school... which isn't at all surprising. it's snowing all over texas... except for here... it's wannabe snow like sleet... not cute. Or fun. i wonder if he'll ever look at me and wonder what it would have been like if he hadn't said such mean things about me? if we had dated for real, for even just a month or two? if we hadn't had sex ever and were just two friends going through life together? he's the first guy to tell me i had a sexy voice and the first guy i ever had phone sex with and the first guy that made me feel wanted (not loved, mind you) but wanted... which at the time was almost as important and necessary in my development as being loved. i guess i loved him... in a way. i don't even think i knew what love was back then... was it butterflies, sexual satisfaction, anything remotely related to me feeling less depressed? austin is real love. but why do i keep feeling like it's time for an affair? everytime i'm in the car for some reason, i keep thinking about guy friends and fucking them... really random guys too that i would never date or have a relationship with becuz they have social anxiety issues and/or are alcoholics. but i just want to fuck the shit out of them.... do i make sense? no. am i 21 and never seen snow? yes. do i love austin? yes. do i want to fuck other guys? yes. too much... too much... not enough...