I think I made the biggest mistake of my life. Figures that the first big decision that I made completely on my own would be the absolute wrong one. No one will ever love me like Austin did. Emphasis on the DID. Past tense. He'll never love me again. He'll never want to be with me again. Even if he did take me back, it would never be the same. I wish we could both get amnesia. And live in a different place and find each other again.

I know I was the dumper but I really want to go through whatever Jim Carrey went through in Sunshine for the Spotless Mind. So I can forget all of the good things. Every good thing that he ever did for me. Every sweet thing that came out of his mouth. The way his hands felt in mine. The way he smelled when we were laying in bed together. The way he held me and how comfortable I was with him. I'll forget how willing he was to make me happy. And how happy he was just to make me happy. And the way he looked at me when I broke his heart in a million pieces. I want to forget that.

I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate this. I really, really, really wish upon a million times that I hadn't gone back to Thomas's house that Saturday. I really wish I had the willpower to get through it and work things out with Austin.

I really wish that I could take it all back and go back in time. Can I be a little kid again? Can I please go back to being 22? Can I please go back in time to May 2010? I just want to take it all back.

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If I can't take it back, I want to die.