Well, my first summer out of school. Like really out of school. Out and about in the world. It doesn't suck that badd. Next weekend me and Tyler are going to Warped Tour in Houston and then on Aug. 13th me and a bunch of friends are going to see System and Mars Volta at the Woodlands and on Aug 19th (!!!!!) me and Tyler are going to see... GREEN DAY!!! Can you tell which one I'm most excited about seeing? This is a dream in the making... and we're actually fucking going. Ahhhhh... and it's with Tyler.. my homeboy, my confidante, my fellow lover of Green Day. What could be better? I'm about to move so I'm starting to pack up all of my shit. I found a notebook that I used to write random shit down in like 9th and 10th grade called Skinny Blonde Haired Bitches and I got sooooo fucking depressed. I used to be the most depressed, melodramatic, 14 year old in the entire universe. I would cry over everything and everyone who hurt me especially... Justin. Even the name... bothers me. Memories, old feelings, new feelings, the same feelings I got whenever we were together. He's everywhere. On everything in this house (especially my couch), in my head. His voice, his actions, the way he walks and the way he doesn't smile. His advice.. before and after every sexual encounter of my life I have thought of him and what he might say if I told him. And when I do tell him, he's understanding and helpful when all I want him to do is blow up at me and tell me that I'm a whore and that I should only love him and have love for him and no one else. Mainly cuz that's how I feel everytime he hooks up with a new girl. I wanna tell him how much it hurts me to hear him talk about them like he used to talk about me. And the fact that we didn't fuck, will mean there's always gonna be this unexplainable, unavoidable sexual tension between us. There's nothing to stop it... no way to avoid the inevitable possibility that we want to fuck each other. But we most likely never will... becuz best friends don't just do that. He's not my best friend and I'm not his. That's just a fantasy he created in his head so he won't feel so bad burdening me with all of his painful problems. Wow, I didn't know all that was still in me. I guess it always will be... he's still in me. In some small, minut way. But now I have Austin and he makes me grateful for never killing myself. He makes me..... *gasp* HAPPY. Who knew?