conflicting thoughts. conflicting emotions. conflicting feelings. just confliction floating around in my brain. my "hippo". it's too much to think about. he wants to know about this site. so we don't have any secrets. we don't have any secrets. not really. he just doesn't need to read about who i was and who i fucked in high school. that was a long time ago. he doesn't want to see that. in writing. how i felt. how it felt to not be with someone. truly single. then comes temptation: what a horrible feeling. you are my past. leave me alone. i don't need you. -was i happy? with the exception of a few orgasmic moments, no. -was i getting regular sex? definitely not. -was i cutting myself to shreds? yes. -was i having fun? YES. being fucked and not caring about a damn thing was FUN. it was a good time. i hung out with all different kinds of people and guys and didn't have to answer to anyone. this feeling scares me. what if i can't settle down? what if i'm one those of people who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side? i've been on the other side and it's not greener. it has no color! it's just fucking black and white. i was fucked, fucked up and kept a secret. i didn't enjoy it. but i crave it. like a addict craves heroin. things i crave: -attention -adoration -looks -smiles -sex -sex -caffeine -the past -boys loving me -flirting -not trying -being one of the guys -being one of the guys but also the one you could fuck -AUSTIN. i don't make sense. as per usual. i need to go pick my niece up and pretend to be happy. i love you.