so its jonnys birthday today

its 12 26 am right now

im sitting at our new place we moved into in mid

november.... by myself.

well my mom moved in for the moment... she went to bed... coo. i love her.

just want to be alone.

see....

We met through a friend of mine... i turned him down... so on so forth still were friends... he got me a job at the same place he worked at . we started talking more and more... eventually hooked up.... eventually he asked me out.... eventually he told me he had kids... and eventually he told me they were with his ex wife of 8 years.... blah too late. i fell in love.

anyway this relationship has been by far thee most learning experience in my life. matt and i were together 3 years... jonny and i have been year and half... been through a lot. i feel more heavy in a sense of things i regret throughout our relationship. things i actually wish i could rewind... where i know i think that about most things and most experiences in my life.. this is different. feelings i wont ever have with anyone else.

i just hate how there used to be ambition and this light in his eye when he would actually make conversation with me...

do i have high expectations? Is it weird to feel upset and neglected when i had to work and got sent home sick new years night and called you just to hear you ask me if i wanted you to come home.... like hello.... i took off that night weeks before to spend it with you... its just another night yes, but how do you not get the concept of me wanting to get more than i love you, good morning, and good night....

i want my boyfriend... not someone i just split rent with...

i put up with the lies... they are so small yet there are so many. why... why lie. if you feel the need to lie... why be with me?

why so distant and so.... far away.

happy birthday, figured you wouldnt call.

getting used to it