So my thoughts are just a person running circles in my head; doesn't seem to be going anywhere and the breaks for good feeling are rather shortlived! So then again I feel blank and rather bothered about life! I kept thinking life is or can be ideal! I feel rather forgetful of that belief now. Lol - it happens! Or does it? I seem to not want to care half the time. I feel lost in what I want or need. Don't feel bothered about love - don't know if I'm meant to be all that I believed I was - how on earth do you feel you could start a clean sheet when you've already gone so far?! I often feel now like there is nothing left. I care that little do I? No! I shall hold back the swearing and the wee bit if anger. I might be moving in with my sister. My brother said to her that she shouldn't hold on to material possessions - as in memorable and worthwhile possessions having once belonged to my mother and father. I don't hold on to them.. and couldn't care less about never seeing such items again.. I just hold on to the greatest possession I ever had which is now gone! "She's in your memory and in your heart never to be forgotten" they might say. Maybe so, but the only real person to ever be your life and your love.. the one person you really cared for; they're gone and I wish to blame myself. They're better people for letting go.. yet me, the person who dreams of saving the World and already I have a bad tick against my name. That's perfectionism for you; always displeased with what you gave in effort - it's never enough! But it's oh so easy to say "hey it happens, tomorrow is a new day, nothing can really bring you down" and so on and so on! It's a balancing act - happy or depressed? happy or depressed? The difference between the two is that one of them I would only be fooling myself and trying to make me feel something I'm not yet ready to - the unfortunate thing is that if I take the other which I am, it won't do me well at all. So do I be what I am and see how far I spiral through my thoughts down onto the ground curled up like a man who lost sight of the World, or do I be what I'm not and keep battling the war within? Now you see my predicament. And there I was thinking it was going to be easy - I do like to count my chickens too early!