Life is constant change; in my case, a constant transition of thought process over personal matters in life. I wondered how to help the World and I came across the realisation that how I wanted to help the World, it wouldn't happen - quite frankly the World is far too messed up for any person to change it economically for the better of mankind. The World wants to rid poverty - the underpriviledged - and making the World better off economically seems to be the answer, or as the 'World Economic Forum'puts is: "We believe that economic progress without social development is not sustainable, while social development without economic progress is not feasible". Simply translated means.. the World will never abolish Poverty or the underprivileged societies. And so I've decided not to battle against something which will never bare fruit. So as usual.. I'll do it my way! So I keep thinking and thinking through things.. my current thoughts of life, and I find myself thinking about my mom again. Sometimes I get surprised with the thought of my mom still having actually passed away, but more so, I still feel I didn't help her out enough during her time of need - the kid who wishes to give love to all in the World and I couldn't even give it adequately to my mom. I run through thoughts of how she asked me to be strong for her, but rarely did I show enthusiasm on most days.. saying that.. I'm not sure how true that statement is.. truth is.. I don't know why I keep holding onto the inadequacies of my duties. Perhaps the situation and sombreness masks the good I ever really did. I don't know. When my mom fell weaker I should've made her strong and raised her spirit, "hey mom, so what do you want to do today? Go visit a friend? Go around the shops? Go to a tranquil spot and watch the beauty of nature cling around your senses??" But no.. I gazed upon my mom sitting weakly eventually to the days when she struggled to keep her head balanced. When spending time with her I only ever remember spending short intervals with her.. get her up for breakfast, make her breakfast, go downstairs and have my own breakfast while she eats hers.. (well there you have it - inadequacies were a true statement) then go up stairs and spend time with my mom until she was ready for her first sleep of the day. Depending on how adament she was on me to call her, I would either allow her to rest for as long as she wanted until she called me, or I would call her thinking she may have had enough rest and might want to be called to get up and have lunch now. If she was regenerated enough to get up for lunch I would get her out of bed, sit her down and adjust her cushions until she mentioned she was comfortable. I would go downstairs, prepare her lunch and then bring it up to her.. more than often sit on the bed watching and helping her eat until she was finished. Not always would we talk, not always would my mom have the strength, not always would I have a thought to talk about.. some days I would go in and out of my room briefly to check the internet or do something. Before her condition really started to deteriorate, she would stay up till dinner, give her something light.. spend time with her until she was ready for bed, tuck her in then spend a couple mins in the room until she was asleep; but when she started to get worse and needed an extra sleep before dinner.. maybe not getting up to have something to eat so late that sometimes by the time when she went to bed again it would be after midnight. What bothers me the most is the amount of time I spent with my mom.. I can't remember whether I spent enough time with her or not.. did I just do what I needed to go and then go away.. or was I really there for her watching over her? I just can't remember. When I notice I'm almost moving on and forgetting about these thoughts, they come back and through another period I go off questioning the job I did for my mom again. To be honest, I'll happily live with that 'inadequate' thought for the rest of my life if it reminds me of how unconditional to be in my love for others. I get rather bored being preachy to people.. giving insight, theory, spiritual guidance.. that was never me; only God knows why I went through such stage.. I was never sure whether my words ever helped or touched anyone either, but that's ok. I'm quite happy to wanting to go back to the kid who said little, but did alot. I was the quitest person around, but certainly the most cheerful - always smiling. I'm no longer bothered in touching people with words of wisdom (supposedly, lol).. I'll just say the neccessary word, but keep showing the natural smile God carved on my face - the smile says more than my words ever would. Words of wisdom is someone who is not really me. The quite kid who could cast a helpful hand is who I am. Hmmm... let's see how my thoughts change in the upcoming week! "If you are what you say you are - a Superstar - then have no fear". [Lupe Fiasco - Superstar]