Basically... as I said, I'm dealing with mortality and love right now. My mom is terminally ill; she has cancer and just this week was told that they can do nothing for her... the time she has left is unknown as she wished to not know, but while some people say... oh, Drs always say that you've only got 3 or whatever months to live, yet 5 or whatever years down the line, that person is still living! Thing is... I can't see that with my mom. Each day, she appears to be getting gradually worse - it is abit to bare. Having lost my dad only 1 and a half years ago also... knowing that my mom may be gone soon also - it makes me feel empty; especially considering that I don't feel I have anyone to go to - I do... I have plenty of friends... but I'm abit different - I only want to be with this girl that I like. I'm in love with this girl from my uni... she is the world to me -everything is irrelevant in life compared to her. I'm in so much pain with my love for her its crazy... she does know this, but such is her down to earth character she only ever acknowledges how I feel and has said she will be there for me... as a friend. She is not yet ready for anything serious due to past idiot boyfriends. I accept that... but I'm battling something within me and I honestly don't know if I can win. I say that as in... I'm fighting some sort of emotional and physical battle, but I only fear that it will gradually get worse until I end up getting ill. I'm happy to be friends with her, but sometimes I feel like I expect too much from her even as that... or so it would be when I'm living in pain almost each day.. when I'm not in pain, I'm ok... and I can effectively cope without her - you know what I mean. I'm a very different guy to many out there. I'm deep beyond words - spiritual beyond life. With how I've been brought up - to say it deeply, I've always wanted to be a saviour for this world (now I'm getting weird, lol) I'm a caring, loving, affectionate... all that stuff, kind of guy. I was the one always there to wipe away my moms tears... or to listen to them. I've seen so much hurt through my mom... and now one day she is soon to pass, but I care for all people... A few years ago I use to say to God... take me for the world. I would die for the world. These words may not seem like much, but they are everything I am. Its abit hard at the moment, but the more I go through life, the more I intend to be helping people - from the poor in the street, to the sick... to communities worldwide. Its somewhat a passion of mine, but at the moment with the love I have for this girl... I tend to forget wanting to be that. I feel like the love I want to give her is the love I should be giving the world. I feel like its my responsibility to give that love only to the world and as a result, I have to sacrifice my dreams... my dreams of being with her. I don't think and also don't want, to love another girl in the way that I do with her. We're only just getting to be proper friends... but when I think of the stage my mom is in.. I said to her, I don't want to lose her... not even as a friend. She is so special... its tough how much pain and tears I'm putting myself into though and I don't always understand why.