These last several days my mind has been in a place of rather absentminded mess. It all began Friday, the day when I had a 2,500 word essay to hand in by 11:59pm and which come 10:30pm I was getting ready for bed with zero words written and still a fair amount of studying to do for the particular essay topic in question. My mind had begun to wander and eventually filled itself with overwhelming thought which I failed to understand for what reason. It would have been my moms birthday come this Easter Sunday and yet nearly six months on, the time that’s passed feels twice as long, though the memory fresh as if only still a few days ago. On the fifth day since that essay should've been handed in, I now find myself having finally finished it. My absentminded state still exists, but I'm getting there. I was at the point where I wasn’t at all interested in the essay; I just wanted to be outside soaking in the day, the air, birds singing, people roaming, cars moving, music listening, a gentle and straightforward recipe for thought which creates nothing but a smile; no vision, no what to do, no why, how, where or such.. just the joyous moment of being at ease with life. Over the weekend I was trying hard to remind myself to fall back into the fighting spirit of things so to get my essay complete and to find purpose in life again to which I for a short time had lost. Sometimes I wonder why I constantly have to reiterate into my mind the fight one has to consistently give throughout life; am I that weak inside that I have to try to be this person, or is it instinctive of my character to persistently let my heart roar with passion to fulfil the drive I have in life. I like an easy ride now and again, so yeah, perhaps it's understandable why now and again I have to give myself an internal shout to get a move on in life... not forgetting the fact that some people will tread on me if I don't; or so I believe; it's an ego thing then? I don’t bring my ego to the table thank’ya very much. I'm going out shopping today.. grocery shopping that is. I want to buy myself an Easter egg, lol. My sister is getting me one, my bro gave me one today as he won’t be able to come down this Sunday, but I kind of want to indulge in one that I bought myself, lol. When I was younger, it was my mom who bought them and she always got some real cool Easter eggs, ones which came with mugs or like a dozen chocolates accompanying a real fat ass chocolate egg. The smile on my mom’s face as we – more so me – was attending to the opening of them is a memory which lasts with me, my mom’s eyes always lit up when she smiled, even better were the hearts she made light up when she did. I had an impression of who I was the other day, a painting envisioned in my mind. Can’t remember what made me come to it, but to me, envision yourself in a painting and you have a better understanding of who you are. I envision myself as a Roman General. I have my duties to fight the given fight, but away from my duties I have my only other reason for existence, my wife, my queen. I try to find a word to show her true beauty, but words fall short. Only her feel, her taste.. her scent! We are playful together. Other days we share each others wisdom. From dawn to dusk if the day provides, we do not part each others kiss. It’s an aspect I see in who I am now. Days I have to fight, my heart roars not with anger as anger puts a man off his guard, but with well constructed fury. I get frustrated at the incompetence of other men; their ego too much for their own good. And with the hope I hold for finding a queen who share's her wisdom with me as I would do with her, we enjoy calm and fond playful moments together, and on most given days, we wish never to part the kind and intimate presence of one's love for each other. I have a best friend – we joke at times that we aren't even real friends, that when we be hanging together, we don’t even know why! Lol. But we have heated arguments. We real close in terms of the wisdom we share with one another. He says we compliment each other, where I’m the patient keep it chill, no worries kind of person, he is the impatient, does worry and does work up an ego over shit kind of person, 'till I remind him that it doesn’t have to be that way, and soon he calms down… I can’t remember what else he deems us to compliment each other by, lol. He seems to have got into his head that I’m not who I say I am. He has managed somehow to develop a real mislead perception of me. He talks about it being social inept, I say about some who can, some who can’t and those who try to do when they shouldn’t are those who are being untrue. For some reason he didn’t see it that way and he really moaned. Lol. His way is his way, mine is mine, but for some reason he's adamant on his way being my way too.. lol… that is the competitive nature of our friendship.. but there is another thing, something that I am completely oblivious to, which he says is keeping me behind. He said that he thought I was a person who he could talk to on a high level, but no, not at all as I am oblivious and lack the ability to talk on that higher level but to me, I say to him, "whatever it is you believe me to be oblivious to, is a belief of your own and yours alone, for your understanding of me is wrong whether you admit it or not" - which he doesn't, but its ok, because to each their own. Eventually he told me that what I'm oblivious to is the fact I go through life not admitting to problems I apparently have - so he says - thus making myself sound as if I'm on some higer level than he is. He said I'm either deluded into believing I have no problems, or my way of thinking is either natural or enforced, the latter of course being unhealthy and the prior I would say oblivious like deluded, only really to the extreme. Sure, I have my days when I'm questioning something, but the reason I don't believe I have any problem (those who know me correct me if I'm wrong) is the pure fact that I don't see any other person in this life to be any better or higher than me for the moment they believe so, they have judged me and unless I have given them real reason to, to which I can accept, then they are nothing to me come the end of the day, just another incompetent fool oblivious to how they should treat others. Love others as we would wish to be loved, in other words, judge no other man or woman as you yourself should not act to judge your own worth for the moment you do, you do not love the way you should love. Our ability to try is not without fault, we aren't perfect, but as long as we try - any given day! Anyways, we still friends at the end of the day, well, so we say, lol. Ok, this is getting on a bit now. Until another time. Keep Cheerful