what have i done to deserve this all, right now?? life is so bleak, so surreal, so drasticallyy suffocating. life is death, but onlyy worse. a slow killing, ripping your insides out before it is even noticeable that youu are dying. everyy dayy youu live is another step closer to death. everyy breath youu take, the same. youu see?? behind everyy happyy moment is something sad waiting to happen. told youu this never works out. told youu told youu told youu. but i still believe, blinded and pretending not to know, i still believe. because i am afraid. if i didn't believe in this, what would i believe in? what would i tell myy self, whispering, to make everything seem okayy again?? things i shouldn't see, things shouldn't know about. don't want to see. don't want to know about. &yet i just happen to know anywayy. the worst timing ever, i always turn at the perfectlyy worst moments. did i bring this miseryy upon myself?? did i, well honestlyy, did i?? whoever is fucking with me up there sure seems to be enjoying themself. i've changed so much over the years. less violent. much nicer. letting people in without always thinking that theyy have some ulterior motive. actuallyy depending on others. i feel other peoples pain. and i was so happyy that finallyy, i can do something right. i can make somebodyy happyy, even when i cannot be happyy myself. i tried so hard. and i still do. i tryy. i tryy to believe that this world is good. i tryy to believe that i will somedayy be happyy. i tryy to believe that everything has a limit. &that there's onlyy so much shit one person will be required to endure in a lifetime. i tell myself that once i get through all of this, i'll be happyy and carefree, sitting in water fountains with the sunshine in myy hair and not even caring if myy underwear gets wet. yea. carefree. &it just takes so much out of me that i'm constantlyy feeling emotionallyy drained. is this worth it?? i'm beginning to wonder, to doubt even more, to doubt myself. the people who claim theyy would never hurt me are reallyy the onlyy ones who ever could. and theyy do, unknowing. perhaps never even realizing it. i'm hurting, constantlyy, each and everyy dayy. sometimes while lingering on thoughts of the past, of the things that would have turned out differentlyy. but always there is a new hurt for everyy time i smile. fresh wounds for everyy time i finallyy heal. i admit it. i am a never-ending emotional roller coaster. those who get on board with me usuallyy get annoyed and sickened after a while, throwing up in their minds at the veryy thought of me, retching. but it seems that everyy time i finallyy get through a steep drop on the tracks, the onlyy thing waiting at the bottom is even more twists turns, even more circles. everyy time i get through something, i onlyy get more shit to deal with. if that person reallyy wanted to help, theyy would. but theyy don't, and onlyy do yet another thing theyy would later apologize for. if that person reallyy has the feelings theyy claim theyy do, theyy wouldn't have informed me like that. not in that wayy. if the person reallyy thought i should give up so much to give someone else a chance, theyy should have remembered that theyy reallyy have no influence on the decisions i make in myy life, seeing as we were never on the same page anywayy. if everything that person told me was true, then whyy would theyy go ahead and do something like that, totallyy and entirelyy contradicting the things i was expected to believe in?? i never knew anything before, but now i am even more confused than ever. who to trust, to believe in, to depend on, to listen to, to talk to??? i can't see through anyone now. i've trusted in the wrong people too manyy times and now, i have no idea what to think. i miss the sunshine. i miss myy Sunshine. i miss the world i knew before. even though i was not happyy then, i was in a much better state than right now. i am a mess. a failure. even more so than before. i just keep going downwards, when will i stop?? this world. it's all about speeding up. but all i can think about is slowing down.