blah. so i guess i haven't updated in a while...simplyy because too much has been happening, and i reallyy don't know what to sayy about it all. let's just sayy that near the end of last week, i was stupid &i said things that i never should have. i was intentionallyy trying to hurt him, for all the times he unknowinglyy hurt me. &so i said things that i never meant. i felt like i just couldn't take it anymore. &i guess i went too far. whatever friendship we had was almost lost. his angryy questions and words scared me. a lot. i still remember them. i won't be able to forget. in the end, the onlyy thing i could do was to sayy i was sorryy. which i was. &now i'm in the process of trying to make things go back to the wayy theyy were before. i never knew how much i need him in myy life. even as friends, i guess it's okayy. &somehow, some time during this entire ordeal, i realized that i don't like him the wayy i did before. i'd reallyy much rather be just friends than nothing at all. actuallyy. now i'm not quite sure about myself. doubt is flooding myy mind again becuase there is no reason for it not to. i told that girl who hates me not to worryy...that i'm not "the other girl", as she claimed i was. youu know what. i honestlyy think she lied to me. about loving him for seven years &shit. yea, reallyy. like a twelve-year-old girl knows anything about love. i reallyy think she was trying to make me feel horrible about myself. which worked because i reallyy wish i hadn't told her the truth. a little part of me feels smug inside because i think i'm beginning to realize that i thought i didn't like him that wayy anymore onlyy because myy mind wasn't allowing me to. but yet, at the same time i feel so horrible. like a liar, and i don't lie about things like such. i can lie and sayy that she's prettyy, but i can't lie about myy feelings. wait, no. hah. i do that all the time, too. but i guess what i'm saying is i can't lie about myy feelings when i reallyy thought theyy were true. &so....i don't know what to do anymore. i never know what to do. i just go with the flow. but this time...i can't feel where the flow shall take me. there are too manyy what if's &maybes running through myy mind. yesterdayy, i was so angryy at youu two, that i couldn't help but to laugh at myself for being so sillyy. youu want me to feel angryy so youu can be happyy...&it worked. how do youu feel now??