Since the last time i wrote anything close to a journal entry, A lot has happned. Some good and Some bad. The most pressing issue(s) for right now i guess would be my job, and as always my love life. (lol, Ive noticed that what happens to me romantically has a very big affect on me and my future, theres not a thing i have done not for love.) Work Has me going in circle.. Right when i begin to feel content in both myself and my work, It seems like a higher power gets pissed and puts its foot down to crush my happiness. I told david (my boss) That i wanted to put in a two weeks notice after he informed me that im the WORST employee there, which is actually bullshit, because i do alot more then he sees apperantly. Since then, Ive talked to my close friends and family about the whole thing, and theyve sort of changed my mind as far as putting in the two weeks.. They told me to just let dave fire me so at least i can collect for alitle while. And it does make scence. So I guess thats what im going to do, and at the same time keep looking for anthor job, which is going to be hell seeing as the only places i can work are the ones i can walk to. My love life has been complicated since i met this boy kris.Im never really sure where its going or what we are doing, but ill stay content so long as i have even alittle bit of him because i have such strong feelings for him. Im not sure if that makes me pathetic, or a romantic.Maybe im just inlove with the idea of being inlove. Kris is someone that kind of took me by surprize, i never thought in a million years id come to the point that i am with him. When i first met him i was ENGAGED to anthor man(donny), so the only intentions i had for kris was to be friends. The more i was round him, the more i couldnt get him off my mind untill adventually i didnt even want to talk to donny anymore because kris was the only one i wanted to even be around really. Long story short i ended up leaving donny for kris. We were together maybe wo weeks?, and He broke up with me and got with a girl named alicia. When that happened i wasnt sure which one i was more upset about.. The fact that he lied to me about her, the fact that he left me when he claimed he was so inlove, or the fact that he didnt really talk to me as much when she came into the picture. My heart felt like it was breaking and honestly the only person that came to my mind for comparacine was matt. (lets cut to the chase) Alicia and kris broke up, got back to gether, broke up, got back together nad broke up once again. (mind you.. This is over only two months about) So now, here i am with kris but not really with kris. If that makes any kind of scence. The more im around him the more i fall for him. im waiting for a bottom but it hasnt come. And as far as what is going on in his head.. Im not really sure. There is ALOT with him (non romantcally) that is going on, and if i were to push him into anything, It would make me selfish, and inconciderate. Im terrified of loosing him though. My best (heather) went off to college, and for alittle while there i actually put myself threw a depression. I felt like an infant loosing my mother. It was terrible. My worst fear is loosing people that im close to, and i had convinced myself that her going to college ment that we were never going to talk again, and i would be alone. Somehow someway, i pulled myself out of it though and now everything is peachy =) A friend from a long time ago got in contact with me about a month ago(shawn), and now hes begging me to move in with him again. The only problem is.. If i moved in with him i would be very far away from everyone.. I live in in connecticut he lives in ohio. Its a big change which conforts me and at the same time makes me panic. Honestly.. I want to move in with him. It would make me happy to leave this place i been trying to excape since i relized i could. Whats holding me back? His name is kris. I dont want to leave because of kris. If i didnt have him.. I would have already been there. I cant figure out how im supose to tell shawn (one of the guys i was supose to marry at one point and time.) that ive got someone i love, that isnt him. Hes been trying to get back together since the first phone call about a month ago, and as he will always be in my heart, right now he isnt the one that has it. Im trying to pull my shit together in hopes of possibly going to college or moving out. I figured it out in terms of, 1. car 2.school 3. apartment. it probaly wont work out that way though. lol. If it works out at all. im having a very difficult time trying to get ahead. It seems like everytme i do, something happenes that puts me 20 steps back. i feel like a baby trying to run before it can walk. Its like trying to breathe underwater. Im rying to do the best i can right now and it doesnt seem good enough for anyone. I know i can accomplish whatever it is that i want, but i gotta get my head on straight in order to do that. Hopefully college and happinesss isnt that far off for me. Things have gotten better in some aspects, and in others it has gotten worse. I dont even remember the last time i touched cocaine, i been doing better with my money, and ive been being true to myself more then i ever was. However, im still in the same place that i always been. Im not really sure where to start If i wanted to fix things.