i wish i knew the perfect words to say, but the truth is when it comes to this i dont have even the slightest clue how i would begin putting my thoughts into something logical, something understandable. My brain has done the biggest line of the best brand of cocaine and is spewing illogical things in every direction making it hard to know what im really thinking feeling being. But if i had the perfect words, maybe everyone could understand. Maybe you would understand.

Its all bottled up how i actually am. Youve got to be pretty dumb to think when i say everything is fine, that its the truth. Everything is not fine and everything is not good. As a matter fact i wish i could find the strength to scream at the top of my lungs so maybe everyone could finally have the slightest incling of what it is that theyve turned me into. Aside of those matters, look at what im facing in this very moment. Everything is going to change and i, no matter how hard i want to, will not and can not stop it. And to make everything worse even if i wanted to stop it i dont think i would. Whose to say that ill ever get this oppertunity to bring life into the world again. Since i was young, and i mean very young, all i wanted to do was marry reproduce and die. Now that one third of them is checked off the list ive choosen to change it up to what would be impossible now with the expant new arrival. All the same i could never bring myself to "take care of it". Its funny how the moment i decide that i dont want such a dull existance is the moment im granted it. What have i really got to complain about though? The man who helped me into the situation loves me so much so he'd take his own life if it were to save mine, and he actually wants to step up and be a man. To take care of his responsablites. Yet. i want close to nothing to do with him. Is it him? Is it me? would there ever be hope that i would change my mind and i could really have that happy little family i always dreamt of? With things as uncertin as they are, no wonder why ive become so opposed to bringing a child into this world. Could i really do this on my own? Am i strong enough to change everything that is necessary to ensure the saftey and happy living condition of my little bundle of joy? Am i really ready to be a parent? youd think with everything i been threw the answer would be a gigantic astonding YES, but truth is.....