so my computer has been out of comission for the past week or so, and because of this and my lack of friends ive been staying home in my couped up part of the house smoking, and watching tv, actually only one tv show, over and over and over again. In that time i found a lot of things i never knew were there, about myself... Scary right? After the past few years ive had, the last person i want to confront is myself. Itd probaly give me a mental breakdown lol. I relized that im more mad at myself then anyone in the whole relationship bis. between me and kris. Even after what i found today... It just makes me more pissed at myself. I dont want to stay in connecticut my whole pathetic life. I want to see the world. I want to feel every possible emotion and experiance i can. I think im always going to be dreaming about the perfect romance untill the day i relized i lost one. I always catch on to late. I feel independant, but a lonely kind of independant. Im taking care of myself because i am alone. I know no one elese is going to care for me. Its just me. As sad of a thought that would apear, it doesnt make me sad or upset, its like ive excepted it as some sort of truth and i know i can not change it. So i do not fight it, and so i find comfort in the thought instead of misery. It amazes me how sure i am that i could take off right now to some forgein place with nothing more then 50$ in my pocket and a pack of ciggs, and be just fine. I dont think i would even really miss to many people. Theres one here and there, but everyone elese is who im running away from. I wonder if one day i really will have the strength to do that. Nothing feels real. Nothing is real.