can i say i really regret anything? No... I mean at the time and place i wanted it all. I cant say i regret you or you or you... i cant regret that i said that or that or this. I cant regret anything. The only thing i can do is tell myself it was a mistake and move on because nothing will change the fact that i did what ive done. Its in the past and the past should stay where it remains.

Even if it hurts me to let go, even if it kills you to let go, if it kills the entire world, i have to let go. let it all go. Because if i cant move on, past everything, ill just stay here. Here, is a place, despite everything, that i dont deserve to be. So i guess what it all boils down to is do i forgive myself?

SEVFERAL DRINKS LATER

i used to have such faith in him, but now i relize it was all just blindly.. How could i have stand by his side for so long and not relize what he was really doing to me and everyone he came into contact with? He single handedly is responsiable for killing me from the the inside out and now i believe he knew exactly what he was doing. you dont destroy as many people as he did and NOT know what your doing... yet i still have a place for him in my heart and i know i ALWAYS will. Shit. i mean its been a good 5 years and he still strikes a cord. im still talking about him... And all i really want to do is forget. but i guess he became such a big part of everything that i am, its hard to just let go. All the memories, feelings and passages ive got just for him... it doesnt matter what i do. the part of him inside me wont die. i just want it to go away.