Wow. Do you ever get that feeling that something in your life that means alot to you is a lie? Sketchy question, i know. But when that paranoia sets in and your surroundings that you were previously comfortable with, though not perfect, begin to crumble around you and there is no way to change any of it. You wouldnt think that putting one and one together would take as long as it often does. Whatever it is that has blinded me from blatency, i now wish away. I am tired of looking like a fool. I am tired of feeling like there is something more going on under the seemingly placid surface. But at the same time, mere words can be all that i need to keep going. Lies or not, if i hear what i want to hear, then the doubts and fears i have are the least trivial things in my life. I hate uncertainty. It will drive me insane. And that's all i have to say about that. --------------------------------------------- I was going through old entries, and i found the following excerpt from one that brought tears to my eyes : "i feel so alone. The only time i really feel safe now is lying in my own bed at night. Before i start thinking about all this shit, i feel so much better. But the thoughts start flowing like the blood from my veins. And it only brings me back to this painful monotonous little world that i am forced to thrive in, bc i cant find an escape. Not in sleep, not in death. Nowhere. I am trapped in a life that isnt inviting at this time, and that, slowly, more and more everyday, drags me further and further under, and smothers me a little more with every fight that i get in with my friends, or my family, with every loved one that dies, with every thought of him, with every time someone else makes me feel unloved. My tears are the only release from my body, in which my soul is suffocating. And im scared. . . . what a wonderful world."