Today, was a day of reflection. No, thats not a good thing. Not this time anyway. As i was walking back to school today, my mind began to wander and i was, for the first time in a while, completely lost in thought. Okay, so, you all know about this guy that i like. The one i am head over heels for and all that jazz...Well, i started thinking about him. Yes, i like him. Alot. And i really want to be with him. Or so i thought. I think i am so used to being the one who is in love with something unattainable. I am accustommed to admiring from a distance. I have never been put in the situation where i have had these feelings reciprocated. And i dont know what i would do were i in this position. He is a great guy and all, and i know i could make him hapy if i were with him, but i dont know if i would be happy myself. I, honestly, can not see myself in a relationship like this. Not just with him, but with anyone. And then i realized that this is not so much a fear of commitment, but more of a fear of change. I am so used to the way things are right now, though some things may vary in minor details, but i live an almost monochromatic life. I am so afraid for things to be different. I have burrowed myself into my own safe little existence, that i dont think i would handle change well. Like, for example, what would i do, if tomorrow, this guy turned around and told me that he was in love with me, and wanted to be with me more than anything. Even though i would probably be the happiest person alive, what would i do? I would get scared. I would run away. Because i have formatted my life to remain single, and only slightly happy. Or if i , say, met someone knew, whom i kinda liked who also liked me, would i date him, or would i just sit around and wait for what i have been pining for for so long, only to turn out brokenhearted and unsatisfied? I am terrified of taking risks. I am afraid of falling in love. I am afraid of falling in love with somone knew, bc i am so used to my little world. Bc it all works here. I am afraid of rejection, and i am afraid of being hurt. Again. Yet i always have to remember. . "Love IS everything its cracked up to be. thats why people are so cynical about it. it really is worth fighting for or being brave for, risking everything for. and the trouble is if you dont risk everything, you risk even more."