HI! Today has been a great day. I woke up because Jimmy, Sherry, and Shawn came over. I was so excited. Jimmy & Sherry left and let us babysit Shawn while they went to Walmart for like an hour & a half. Bob & Sara also were here. It was great everyone being together...I miss that. Shawn had a ball playing with his lightup, siren sounding toy firetruck. It's so cute. I fed him his bottle and he fell asleep in my arms (he's about too big for that lol) and then he took a 30 minute nape on my bed. He laughed & smiled and gurgled so much today...it was so precious. Jimmy & Sherry came back by to get him and then me & Sara walked half a mile around the apartments and jogged half a mile. So it felt good to exercise on top of my daily situps. I need to lose some belly majorly! Bob & Sara left and I put in my DVD of "The Count of Monte Cristo" b/c I LOVE that movie. The guy who plays the main character Edmond Dantes is the guy who plays Jesus in the Passion of Christ movie. He's a great actor. After the movie I took Granny's laundry to her and visited with her for about an hour & a half. Then at 9 I went over to Lorrie Duggans to visit with her. She gave me all of her old Kids Place Tshirts, tanktops, and sweatshirts...and I mean she gave me a bag full of like 30!!! Cool. I visited with Lorrie & Christopher for about an hour (Christopher is getting soooooo big). Then I came home. I talked to Emily on the phone and online b/c she is back in town from Georgia. yay. We both start our jobs tomorrow. :) I got all deep and emotion on Emily letting out so much of what I was holding in about yesterday. Here are pieces of our conversation: AngelKer81 [11:12 PM]: ya know after seeing that movie yesterday, I am ready to change. Princessbaby7566 [11:13 PM]: really how? AngelKer81 [11:13 PM]: LIke this past year I have been struggling with wanting to change...but I wasn't ready. AngelKer81 [11:13 PM]: like get back to my old self AngelKer81 [11:14 PM]: be who I used to be..when i liked myself..when I was happier, nicer, lived my life the right way.. AngelKer81 [11:15 PM]: and I am SO ready to find a church home again..after being w/my old youth group yesterday...it brought back so many feelings...GOOD feelings that I used to have...and I want that in my life again..and I know I need it..and it made me remember what my life used to revolve around...and the importance of it Princessbaby7566 [11:16 PM]: would you want to go back to where you were AngelKer81 [11:17 PM]: nah..it woulnd't be the same..i just want to have that involvement again...and work for God again...like when we had the short devotion..I remembered helping with the youth..and leading some of those youth to Jesus...and teaching the childrens class on Wed nights , and just the importance of fellowship and being around Christians on a weekly basis..it keeps you spiritually fed AngelKer81 [11:18 PM]: I used to have so much joy in my life..and when i left church and stopped caring about the things that i should...i fell apart..and everythign around me did too..and i started not liking myself and not liking who i became..and that is not a good feeling. AngelKer81 [11:19 PM]: but yesterday at the alter i CRIED & CRIED & CRIED..because I knew I needed it all back. Princessbaby7566 [11:19 PM]: awwwwww AngelKer81 [11:20 PM]: don't get me wrong, I don't thik I'm a terrible person..but I have a long way to go to get back to where I was 2 years ago.. AngelKer81 [11:21 PM]: anyways,,sorry..I guess I needed to get that out. AngelKer81 [11:21 PM]: I have been holding it in since yesterday Princessbaby7566 [11:21 PM]: so are you going to change the people who you surround yourself with daily AngelKer81 [11:23 PM]: well it's not like I'm going to "diss" anyone...it's not anything to do with anyone else..it's ALL Me..I let myself go..and stopped caring and gave up...but I definitely do need to surround myself with a church family..I miss that...but mostly it's not about other people..I need to change and that is the bottom line. Princessbaby7566 [11:24 PM]: oh Princessbaby7566 [11:24 PM]: ok AngelKer81 [11:24 PM]: i need to change myself first before God can use me in ANY way for His work..and then when I get back to where I use dto be I just want to let go of all my "I want and I need" and "why me"...and I just want to focus on what I can do for Him. AngelKer81 [11:25 PM]: it's like i have been so blinded and forgot the purpose of our lives....and when I was there yesterday...SO much came back to me..and it's like God just showed me so much...and made me remember and open my eyes AngelKer81 [11:26 PM]: i know it sounds weird..but it's hard to explain..but i had so much emotino in me yesterday I was about to bust Anyways yea...that was some of our conversation. ANd I mean every word of that....seeing that movie made me feel like I was personally THERE when Jesus suffered and was crucified...and it makes it so much more personal...and then the whole being with the youth and church and stuff... Welp I am going to go now....just wanted to share that to let this journal know how I am feeling. <3