I feel so different, I know I am not. The same issues I feel are so hard to deal with, I know I have already overcome once. Someone wrote that they had the old me back. I am not sure there is an old me. I fear he died. Then again I fear I want again what I don’t know if I should. Am I the old me, or the new. Do I really not know myself? Am I some mix of what I think I am and what I really am? The last time I can remember such instructional nonchalism was in elementary school, But the last time I tried for what I again want was only last year. I know there is more than one me. Many in fact. There is the me as my parents know me. Most likely stubborn and spoiled but overall a good kid, far better than I really am. There is the me my friends know which I cannot classify, because I don’t know what my friends know or think they know. There is the me my brother knows, which is who I like best to be. There is the me before fifth grade, so naïve, so innocent, so clueless. There is the emo me etc. etc. etc. But again I ask the question who am I really. There is so much that I don’t think I know. Today someone handed me something they thought was really depressing. It talked about how you felt you were always alone and longing for someone who you only saw every now and again. That is their reality. I don’t even have the someone to long for on those long days. I suppose its always been like that. And it always will be. But why does it seem that cuddling close to blankets and sheets is a newly acquired trait? Why do I seem so lonely? Hasn’t it always been this way? I don’t know. I seem to say that a lot lately. I know everyone thinks they have the worst problems. But I swear everyone who tells me their problems seems to be able to fix them really easily. So you are lonely, and your girlfreind is leaving. I am lonely have no one to talk to nowhere to vent no privacy and no girlfriend. I have finally mastered a mentality to fix my problems.I guess it doesn't fix them, but it makes them ok. It comes from city of angels(chick flic {rating 8}). In basis it says that even one day that was so aweful as to want to kill yourself is better than never having had experianced it at all. I think Scott was the emo kid who showed it in school today. Not much, but he certainly seemed to have more of an intellectual prowess than usual. It was nice. But now I know why not very many people really like me. Mike wasn’t even particularly angry that we didn’t show up at his party. Its sad to think that had I gone to that party my weekend would have probably been FAR less of a weekend. I don’t know exactly how much would have still happened but I doubt I would have met Kat. I know now that I like her. I haven’t stopped thinking about her since Saturday. Its hard to go to sleep at night because I am thinking about her. Its hard to wake up in the morning because I am dreaming about her (and I spent all night thinking about her). Its good to have someone to think about. maybe I will actually find someone who doesn't have to leave one of these days. Have you ever noticed that depression is felt more in the shoulders and in the vicinity thereof than anywhere else? Maybe that’s why depressed people seem to slouch. what was in the beginning simply a need for warmth has spread like wildfire. Honestly people, so I had fun on saturday and got somebody warm. Its not like I broke the law of chastity or was "petting" (lol bro. richardson will forever crack me up) I got so lucky. I went to scouts and waited for 20 minutes and no one showed up. So I came home and called my leader and he wasn’t home but his daughter said it was at the park. So I told my mom “nobody knows” and she said ok. And then she called later and got him and he said that some other kid went and there was no one their so it must have been cancelled. He he he. Suckers.