I'm not sure I will ever really come to terms with adulthood. I'm not sure if that's really even a thing. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there with their lives far better figured out than mine. I'm not sure that's even a stretch of the imagination.

I woke up this morning from another dream about Val. I keep thinking someday those will end. I don't dream about my other exes. I know she has a boyfriend and two dogs and so VERY much moved on and doesn't even seem like the same person. I don't know if I'd want to be with her if it WERE an option. But every now and again my subconscience thinks it's a good idea to dangle that stupid carrot...

I used to think about writing to her. Not necessarily actually sending them (I'm rarely brave enough to think that direction and it'd probably just be cruel). No, just addressing thoughts to her. I wonder if it would help me move on.

Someone told me they saw one of my exes on tinder the other day. I wondered about that for a while. What it would feel like to rekindle any relationship. Someone also finally let slip that he slept with my first kiss late last year. I spent some time wandering down that possibility as well.

Just in case anyone doesn't want to try and catch up with what I'm alluding to, I'm in a vaguely poly marriage. I say vaguely because outside of Val and one nameless almost encounter nothing has happened to solidify any sort of legitimate label. Both my wife and I acknowledge that our relationship has places where a little outside assistance might significantly improve the marriage. But I'm not exactly sure how to "date" while married. I also don't want to tarnish carreer possibilities for her or waste time with girls who already have to brave meeting a stranger just to find he can't offer what is societally acceptable. So it's more an in theory thing as opposed to practice.

Lets go with it the opportunity has to sorta present itself.

I've never been overly proactive...

Also while the theory is sound my wife isn't exactly the best at empathy, which means I don't imagine she's ever considered what it must feel like to enter into a relationship with two people or with history or any of the vast complexity that you'd have to deal with dating somebody who isn't just bringing themselves.

I think I spend an awful lot of time trying not to make any dirty laundry, and instead of making my life easier it just means I'm running around looking like Dobby the house elf.