A lot changes in a couple of months. A lot stays the same. Its seems so clear sometimes, those things we think about. As though for a moment the fog of worries and cares that is the smokey filth clogging the cogs in the machinery in our head suddenly disolves and the path becomes clear. I am trying to hard now to become the man I have been working at for eighteen years. Only it seems I am further from him now than at birth. Each time I try to solve a problem I only create two more. I see a counselor now, not for general problems but one in specific. He never tells me how to solve the problem, but instead tells me why I have it. Last week he diagnoed me as oppositional defiant. Who cares. That doesn't make me any less likely than any other person to screw up. Later that night I went over to a friends, and god what I would have given not to have done what I did. The man I almost was didn't have anything to say to that. He just shrivelled up in a corner, prostrate on the floor in the shower. For now I am ok, I think. Only I don't know how long that can last. The time is ticking down til something else goes wrong, and I can feel the resolutions of error slowly dripping away. I keep getting told that I am emo. Well duh, when do people feel the need to write? when they have something to write. If your too stupid to understand the power of passion and its perplexities than dont pretend to predict peoples potential. In other words, bite me, this is my blog, I can be whatever I want. I keep smelling dirty breath, keep tasting tongue. I keep feeling fleshy ghosts and dirt, cold hands, , and broken hope. You think its worth the conjugal I can't help if bubba was better. I should have made the other choice.